Try Again, iPhone

15 Sep

I love my iPhone, but I never love it as much when I’m sober as I do when I’m high. First, it is the most THC intoxication friendly device. Blackberries can kiss my ass. When I’m high, I need big white buttons, like the ones in those elderly Jitterbug cell phones. I need to see my shit loud and clear, brother, and the Crackberry little black buttons simply won’t do. Second, the iPhone quickly answers all the questions I have when I’m stoned. Sure a laptop is nice, but what if you’re burning one when you’re at a friend’s house? What if you’re tuning up in the car, before watching a movie and you get really horny in line for tickets and, in an attempt to distract you from grabbing his crotch, your boyfriend asks you to look up some reviews to help him make a decision?  He probably already knows what he wants to watch, but he’s fully aware that once you pull out the iPhone, you’ll forget what you were doing and focus on all the doors that have been opened through this magical little device. Email, twitter, facebook, space invaders, Wikipedia, voice memos (those are the best when you’re blazed). Infinite adventure! Where was I? Oh yes, the iPhone is amazing because it can give you MUSIC… and the Internet. What a combination. You don’t need anything else – when the sex has to be delayed, that is.

Sure when I’m doing a number with other people I spend my time interacting with them. Shoot, I bet they wish I’d spend some time on the iPhone just to shut me up for a few minutes. But the truth is, this happens with much less frequency. Most often I am by myself with my dog passed out on the couch next to me, after having diligently and thoroughly worked her tongue over and over the soles of my feet. What a good girl. I am now left to my own devices (pity me not, as I cherish these moments wholeheartedly) and have not a care for makeup, neat hair or the need for clothes, for that matter. It’s just me, my dog, my grass and all of my mother’s deliciously prepared, full week supply of nutritious home cooked goodness, so adorably and meticulously separated in tupperware. And of course, the entertainment; writing, tv/movies, or reading.

Can life get any better? I digress, comrades.

I am typing this note ON MY IPHONE right now (at bionic speeds, no less) because I finally recognized the iPhone’s single and greatest shortcoming – a gigantic faux pas – it does not serve as a cable/television remote control. You really dropped the ball on this one, Apple. You can be my book (Kindle for iPhone!), you can be my word processor (go Notes with copy and paste! Woot woot!), but you cannot change my channels or pause my DVD.

So thanks for the great, innovative multimedia-handling-sure-to-be-greatest-selling-cellular-phone-ever- in-the-history-of-the-universe… But I still need the remote control on the nights I choose television or movies. I suppose you redeem yourself somewhat by serving as a flashlight when one of the controls falls underneath the couch. Still…

Besides I read the Japanese can use their cell phones as credit cards! Suck on that, Mac Daddies (so lame… Sooo, so lame).


2 Responses to “Try Again, iPhone”

  1. inna September 16, 2009 at 14:35 #

    this is good. almost makes me want to get high and get an iphone. or the other way around. or maybe not. but still — it is good

  2. barbara September 18, 2009 at 10:26 #

    “It’s just me, my dog, my grass and all of my mother’s deliciously prepared, full week supply of nutritious home cooked goodness, so adorably and meticulously separated in tupperware.”…..I love Brazilian mothers! 🙂

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