Groupies and guitars

28 Feb

I like coming up with sayings. My newest ones are:

More Whores, Fewer Wars
A good woman spreads her ideas more often than her legs

When I was 14, I listened to 80’s and 90’s rock nonstop. Guns N’ Roses, Motley Crue, Skid Row, Metallica, Faith No More, Soundgarden… all these guys. I was also browsing the internets, often in AOL chat rooms and occasionally having inappropriate conversations with older men (dude… everyone was doing it). I went through a period of obsession with the rock n’ roll scene which led to lots of readings about groupie adventures.  I learned that Axl Rose was into golden showers and Steve Tyler was the best lay ever. All kinds of sordid details were proudly shared by women whose lives were consumed by the pursuit of rock n’ roll semen.  I was young and impressionable and I thought those girls/women were super cool for hanging out with rock stars; I wanted to be one of them.  Of course I never actually TRIED – my first concert was a Metallica show at the former Tweeter Center and I was scared shitless of all the biker dudes surrounding me. They sported booby biker chicks on their shoulders, flashing the crowd in hopes of appearing on the big screen, just like I’d seen on countless music videos.  One of them suggested my brother put me on his shoulders too and I clung to his arm.  “Nah, she’s good right here,” he said. Thank god for older brothers. And yeah, I knew then that I could never be a groupie.

At a N.E.R.D. concert years later, the manager was picking girls out of the audience post-show. The girls were lined up in front of the stage after re-applying lipgloss and pushing their boobs up even higher inside their padded bras. I stood in the back with my friends watching the scene. The ones who were chosen were jumping up and down screaming with joy, quick to leave their unchosen friends behind. The others were bummed and walked out in defeat.

Years later still (god, I’m getting old), I was lucky to score a free fourth row ticket to the UFC the first time they came to New England. Wearing jeans, sneakers, and a white girly t-shirt, I was seated behind Chuck Liddell, Rich Franklin, Randy Couture, Hermes França, and had Goldberg and Rogan in view. I’ve been a UFC fan since the early 90’s, back when it was a free-for-all dominated by the never-before-seen awesomeness of Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Needless to say, I was ecstatic to go.  The event, as we know, is mostly attended by meat-heads who don’t know much about the sport, but love screaming out nonsense and watching fist-drawn projectile blood. These types find validation in the diameter of their biceps and the cup size of their companions, so naturally, lots of “companions” were present.  There were also a lot of boobs that came with their owners in search of penis with sizable wallets. I make this claim because these women weren’t paying attention to the fights; they were flirting with guys, whispering to one another, or scoping out the crowd for a wallet to talk to. I was caught on camera stuffing my face with pizza and yelling at Forrest Griffin who was fighting Elvis Sinosic. You can find me on the DVD for UFC 55.

I definitely say that with pride. I think that feeling attractive and ‘wanted’ by men is great -I certainly have my share of push-up bras and mini skirts (though I avoid wearing both at the same time). But these women have crossed a line where I believe their sense of self-worth is much too dependent on their sex appeal.  Even as a grown woman, I sometimes have to reassure myself that I do not need to weigh 100lbs to be happy and that there is love to be found with flat shoes.

With all this said… I still believe there is a place for groupies. I think dudes who can play the guitar real fast should get lots of vajayjay and chicks with big boobs and deep throats who like diamonds should get rock star penis. Look at Slash and Perla – it’s a match made in heaven!  I just think that a good chunk of these girls have more to offer and would be happier pursuing other dreams. Some of them should be on stage themselves; instead they choose to hang outside tour buses for hours hoping a compliment or diamond bracelet will bring meaning to their lives.  They never grow out of fantasizing about being Pamela des Barres. I know I’d rather fantasize about being Gwen Stefani (or an awesomer version of myself).


2 Responses to “Groupies and guitars”

  1. Martin February 28, 2010 at 10:16 #

    I need to learn to play a guitar fast…

  2. Night Writer February 28, 2010 at 21:04 #

    totally. just an acoustic guitar will do. sing some my-heart-is-broken-don’t-think-i-can-ever-love-again-but-i-miss-sex-so-much songs. chicks will eat. it. up.

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