Sad Psycho, I’ll miss you. Chicos who yell obscenities in Spanish; not so much

10 Mar

It’s embarrassing, but it’s true; I’m a bit of a Waltham townie. The people at More than Words know me for coming in all the time for a coffee and cookie, and the rockabilly dude who owns the Crescent St. laundromat waves when he sees me sitting by the window with my laptop and headphones – he always has something clever to say when we cross paths on my nightly Tori walks. Let’s not forget the Ecuadorians at Tara Restaurant – they must wonder how the fuck I “keep my figure” with all the empanadas I order on my fatty weeks. Planet Fatness, my friends. That’s where I burn (almost) all the cheesy calories while pretending not to stare at Brandeis University athletes who, in turn, make no apologies for staring at me in the weights room. I see you, boys.

Writing at home gets boring. Tori sucks me in with her cuteness, and I end up rubbing her belly for ten minutes. Then I eat. Then I turn up the music and get up to go to the bathroom… but on my way I see some nerf ammo, pick it up, locate the n-strike, load it up and shoot my roommate in the eyes. Not Tori. She’s my fuzzy-wuzzy wittle baby. I’m talking about this guy. He’s on my living room wall and we used to hang out a lot, when I had cable TV. Once I cancelled it, I began spending most of my at-home time in the bedroom. He took it personally – as he does with everything – and stopped talking to me. Sometimes I would forget he’s there and we’d go days without acknowledging each other’s presence.

I still think he’s a great guy – once I learned to see past the blood splatters,  I could tell he’s someone who just wants company. And he makes me feel really safe and empowered; like I could seriously stab an intruder to death.  So it was with a heavy heart that I sat on the living room sofa a few weeks ago – Tori and I, actually – and told him about the move. I thought it would be decent of us to give him some time to come to terms with the fact that we’re going away, forever. And that he’s not coming along. And that I may actually have to dispose of him if the next tenant doesn’t want him (and chances are, he/she won’t).  He wasn’t very happy, to say the least.

I mean, what do you want from me? You KNEW this apartment was a rental. And I told you about my history; I move around a lot, and I re-decorate every time. I never promised you forever! And I’m sorry, I really enjoy your company, but I just don’t want to live 10 miles away from the city anymore. I want to be closer to my other friends, closer to my favorite bookstores and theatres… you know? I wanna be closer to the T, and the BPL. And there just aren’t good sun-bathing spots around here. I hate having to drive INTO Brighton on summer Saturdays. I want to just LIVE there. Besides, there’s a fenced in pool for residents in the building. So when I don’t feel like walking to the Commons or the Northeastern campus, I can just sunbathe in my backyard with girlfriends. And Psycho – you more than anyone else know how I fucking hate doing the dishes. Moving into an apartment without a dishwasher was a huge mistake. You’re right by the kitchen and you see what a mess it is. This new place has a brand-new machine. I’ll finally be able to use real dishes instead of disposable ones, like an adult. I’m getting older, I need certain comforts in life, you know. I can’t not have friends over because my kitchen is a mess; that’s not cool. So, I’m sorry, but I gotta do what I gotta do.

And that was it. I could tell he wasn’t paying attention anymore; he zoned out.  I went back into the bedroom and didn’t come out for the rest of the night.

I understand he’s upset, but we still have two and a half months to spend together, and I’d like them to be cordial – fun, even. So I started shooting the nerf gun out in the living room with A Clockwork Orange playing on TV. He’s a sadist little fucker who couldn’t help but to start making small conversation with me. A couple of days later we were best friends again;  “Shoot me in the eyes!” he offered.

Things are finally back to normal. I’ll throw on a movie or music that we both enjoy and I’ll shoot his eyes. Sometimes I aim for his hand, or the middle of his forehead, or his ear. I tell him how my day went and he’ll tell me in detail about his latest homicidal thoughts.

I have to admit, I’m going to miss my roommate. Sad Psycho has been a great friend, and I really hope the new tenant sees the potential in him, despite the creepy first impression. But if I’m honest – I’m excited for the move.  If I’m going to be a townie, it can’t be in the suburbs, without a dishwasher. That’s too depressing. I need better bars, more wi-fi cafés, and a place to sunbathe without chicos pointing at me every five minutes. Not to mention it’s an excuse to finally get rid of my couch and buy a new one. I want to create a new environment, try a new color scheme.  Hopefully I’ll stay put for longer than 18 months this time. Breaking up is always hard to do.


8 Responses to “Sad Psycho, I’ll miss you. Chicos who yell obscenities in Spanish; not so much”

  1. wanderingmenace March 11, 2010 at 11:03 #

    I can relate to this on several levels:
    1. writing at home sucks because my dog is so cute and snacks always call my name
    2. I’d rather spend a day with someone I can’t stand than do the dishes
    3. I love nerf guns.
    Sounds like he’s gonna forgive you for the move. Good luck on the colors!

  2. Matt March 11, 2010 at 11:08 #

    So wait, you can take sad psycho with you OR you dont want to?

    because If your just going to throw him away, DONT. I call dibs.

    Thats such a shame…

  3. Juliana March 11, 2010 at 11:28 #

    Matt, he’s not a re-stick…. so he either stays on that wall or gets destroyed 😦

    Ryan – I have a suspicion that we may be sistas from another mista.

  4. Ryan March 11, 2010 at 16:43 #

    it’s funny when you said, “I need better bars” I don’t move unless I live walking distance from a bar…..wait does that make me an alci? eh who cares 🙂

    • Juliana March 12, 2010 at 11:02 #

      yes, you see, my current apartment was chosen solely on the basis that it was NOT where my ex-boyfriend lived. i took the first one i could find after our break up. it was everything i needed at the time. it’s nothing i want now. so i’m moving again!

      and that does not make you an alchie. just a smart, life-loving guy who’s got his priorities straight.

  5. Sean March 11, 2010 at 19:41 #

    I broke up with my roommate today too. Sad day on the domestic front from coast to coast. (also, the CGIP wasn’t at Floyd’s this morning, WTF!?)

  6. ohhayitskk March 12, 2010 at 16:03 #

    This is weird, but I’ve been reading your blog, and you should def move further into Boston and be my neighbor. We can hang out. It’ll be so legit, I promise.


  1. Hypocrite! « Night Writings - April 12, 2010

    […] miss too-cool-for-school, independent, totally capable of shanking an intruder, go to the movies by myself and don’t feel weird about it, play with my Nerf gun, have a fun […]

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