Sex tape and diarrhea. Verbal diarrhea. Not during the sex.

11 Mar

I’ve been blessed with quite a few nicknames. My mother calls me Juzinha (it’s cute in Portuguese – zhu-ZEE-nya), some friends call me Ju (Jew, what I am not, but most of them are, hence the irony), others call me Juls (this one is very cute and conjures up the image of a well-mannered girl without the undiagnosed potty mouth verbal diarrhea syndrome from which I do most unfortunately suffer). I like Juls. It makes me feel wholesome.

Lately I’ve been going by Lady Ju. If GaGa gets that kind of respect, I don’t see why I shouldn’t – the presence of a vagina between my legs hasn’t ever been publicly questioned. I guess “publicly” is up for debate. And so is “questioned.” You see, for highly intuitive types, the 1% of the population capable of understanding the most complex of metaphysical concepts (such as, ‘which came first, the chicken or the egg?’ and ‘how many fingers am I REALLY holding up?’), the essence of my persona has always been drenched in Awesome. Take successful young professional Matt WhatshislatnameIdunnohisoldblogwascalledPublicIntoxication-whythefuckwouldheputuphisreallastname, for instance; soon to be SIR Matt W. took one whiff of my blog and recognized the Awesome. But it wasn’t just any Awesome – it was Female Awesome. He referred to me as a girl, never questioning my XX status.

Alas, it appears as though not everyone sees things so clearly. My own sister – blood of my blood – claims to not believe in my biological womanhood. If I had easily-crushed-by-insensitive-remarks-that-make-me-wish-I-had-bigger-boobs-then-there’s-no-way-you-would-ever-be-able-to-say-that-about-me  feelings, I might be hurt by one, or a combination, of these libelous wisecracks she likes to make about my person:

you were born a woman because they were out of penis in the sky when you were being made.

seriously, you’re a man.

how do you expect to find a husband with these nasty nails?

why do you insist on wearing man shoes?

In my defense, I make my nails pretty for special occasions. And I’ve gotten compliments on my boots – the super awesome boots to which she refers as “man shoes” – from both boys and girls.

My mother doesn’t so much question my femininity as she does my manners, I suppose; she says I eat like a famished beast and often reassures me that there’s more food available, and insists I “calm down.”

Again, in my defense, my manners are most gracious and cultured when they need to be – but when I’m starving and hung over on Sunday afternoon, having had a last meal 20 hours prior, I might eat a little fast. Of everything, all together. ‘Cause that’s how I like it.

So my sister and mother have no faith in my man-snatching abilities. Maybe I should show them a copy of the sex tape I did when I was 19 (just kidding, I don’t have a sex tape. Or do I? If I did, how much would you pay to download it?). I say they’re wrong. The modern woman doesn’t always have to have painted nails to be feminine. She doesn’t have to wear high heels to work – it is in fact, perfectly fine for her to wear her man shoes while maintaining her girlishness. She may enjoy coloring her language with profanity (for emphasis), but it DOES NOT mean that she’s a boy, or is like one, or wants the blue sweater instead of the pink one (mmm…), or will end up alone with her dogs.

Because if I do end up alone with my dogs, it’ll be because no man was interesting enough to take my attention away from Tori clapping for a treat.

[I know that the more I stay home blogging and/or refusing to make eye contact with boys at the gym, the smaller my chances are of scoring a good one before they all vanish into the suburbs, buried by a mortgage and 2.5 children, leaving me with this or this – I don’t believe there will be much in between. But by then, my friend Masha and I will have made millions from the Female Private Touch Pillowtm and Vajuice blendtm, so it won’t matter because I’ll be travelling the world with as many hotties in tow as I can possibly desire. And a poet. Who sounds like Chris Cornell doing an acoustic version of “All Night Thing” every time he reads to me and feeds me chocolate covered strawberries.]

But honestly… I’m not worried about “ending up alone,” nor do I subscribe to the “all men are scum” silliness. Some boys are assholes just as some girls are bitches. And just as there is Female Awesome, there is also Male Awesome. And until I find the latter, I’ll be single… in Miami… with my friends… in two weeks. And I can’t wait.

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10 Responses to “Sex tape and diarrhea. Verbal diarrhea. Not during the sex.”

  1. wanderingmenace March 12, 2010 at 11:09 #

    After my last my break-up, my mother sat me down to inform me that now that I am ‘older’ I will likely be attracting older men. Within ten seconds she jumped from that to the possibility of me becoming a step-mother within a year.
    I was 27.
    It was not appreciated.
    Have fun with your friends in Miami!

    • Juliana March 12, 2010 at 11:40 #

      Ryan, moms are special creatures, aren’t they?
      Oh, we’ll have fun. We’re not guidos, but we’ll have our own brand of fun 😀

  2. Martin March 12, 2010 at 11:12 #

    “Before we vanish into the suburbs with 2.5 kids and a mortgage.”

    Depressing.

    “she says I eat like a famished beast and often reassures me that there’s more food available, and insists I “calm down.”

    Mom, how can I calm down when there’s all this glorious food here!!!!!! NOM NOM NOM

    I don’t know why eating all slow and dainty-like is considered feminine. If it tastes good, you got to get to work before everyone eats it all.

    • Juliana March 12, 2010 at 11:44 #

      A-freaking-MEN, martin. living with my father for 22 years taught me exactly that – eat fast before it’s all gone.

  3. Jenny March 12, 2010 at 11:27 #

    I recognized the Female Awesome as well. Rock on with the single vibe, unless you start getting near year three on the single scene and in that case, I recommend you view this bell curve to see potential cat lady dangers that may invade your life: http://workinonaramp.com/2009/10/08/sanity-vs-time-spent-on-dating-scene-bell-curve/

    • Juliana March 12, 2010 at 16:15 #

      i know, jenny. i know.. i was there once before. dark times. i’d never be the cat lady, though – cats are ew. i’m into dogs. not like that, you know what i mean.

  4. inna March 12, 2010 at 11:33 #

    miiiaaaaaammmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
    can’t wait

    also you are going to have to explain those new inventions in depth. i’m totally buying. actually that depends… maybe i need to hear more first.

    • Juliana March 12, 2010 at 11:42 #

      Inna, I’d recommend the private touch pillow – you can be part of the QA crew. extensive testing is imperative before it goes to market.

      the vajuice… you’re not gonna want that, believe me. i’ll prolly blog about it next.

      • k March 18, 2010 at 17:13 #

        What are you talking about? Inna totally wants Vajuice!!

  5. k March 17, 2010 at 21:01 #

    Ju, I like man-shoes, too… and there’s nothing wrong with dismissing men for clappy.

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