Wise yet fresh-faced. I’m definitely peaking.

14 Mar

Went out with a friend last night, with the intention of being home by 1230am but didn’t actually make it back till much later than that. When I awoke still in shoes and jacket past noon, I clutched my phone at the thought “ooooh, what were those things I jotted down that I felt I had to write about?” Perhaps I was still riding the previous night’s unstable mental waves, but I felt I should get to it before brushing my teeth – at least it would allow my neck a little time to undo whatever the couch did to it.

My iPhone notes consisted of:
Not theusic. Pathetic.
U suck. Ur a bitch. making a bad name for women everyoeheb.
Pusdywagon u van e controversial steali g ideas.
Love hanging w girls always with boys.
Tell the we are gonna be friends.
lost food drinks

It seems last night’s most entertaining events will not be immortalized in blog post form after all. I will instead collect here valuable life lessons I pondered on my drive to the parents’ house this afternoon. These came to me organically, as I’m two days shy of a 27th birthday celebration and feeling very very wise. There’s also a slight chance my brain was just functioning a little better after a shower.

Personal hygiene is very important
. You may be talented, funny, rich, and maybe even attractive – but if you’re nasty, most people won’t stand near or look at you. However awesome you are no one will know.

Pick your (inner) battles. Self-evaluation and improvement is what life’s about, but it’s important to learn when to give yourself a break. Fuck it; maybe you’ll always be 10lbs over your ideal weight because consuming beer and pizza is more important than ‘looking your best.’ Or maybe you’ll always be a smoker; you know the facts but you still want that fucking cigarette and you’re going to have it. Perhaps you have a pathetic phobia of mice that renders you schizo for a few minutes until you are far far away from that vile motherfucking creature that deserves massive amounts of poison ingestion causing its intestines to explode into a mass of blood and dead flesh that will rot below the surface forever until a flower uses its remains as fuel to blossom, thus FINALLY setting the world right and why can’t all fucking rodents just die horrible deaths? It doesn’t matter. If you see the mouse at a bookstore, you can grab your things and leave immediately. If you see it at home, very late at night, you can put on shoes, grab your dog and car key and sleep at a friend’s house, returning only the next day when you’re mentally prepared to threaten your landlord until the place is properly treated. Until then you can very well just avoid the kitchen altogether.

Most of the time, what other people think doesn’t fucking matter. When I was suffering from 64 bed bug bites all over my body – fuck with you not, 64, I counted them – I wanted to stab my boyfriend or my dog, or maybe sever a limb of my own with a rusty butter knife because the discomfort was so so great, I wanted any thing that could distract me from it. Sadly, I loved the boyfriend and the dog, and 1am on Monday was really not the time to be bothering either one with my desire to set fire to my skin. I chose instead to drive my skimpy-clothed welted flesh to CVS Pharmacy and embarrass the fuck out of myself while begging the pharmacist for anything I could have that would soothe the itch and put me to sleep. The people behind the counter spoke to me slowly and from a distance, as you do with the smelly homeless person who tries to touch your hair and yell nonsense in your ear, but I didn’t care. I knew I looked a mess, but I didn’t give a fuck. I’m lucid and will get from you what I need, pay, and leave just the same. Go on and tell your wife about the twitchy cootied freak that showed up in the middle of the night. I don’t care.

Same goes for your tastes/hobbies. If you’re keen on purchasing a coffee and two packs of twizzlers at the movie theatre, do it. Just because the four-eyed frail emo kid before you also bought coffee, it doesn’t mean you have to go for soda just so everyone else in line doesn’t think you’re also strange and anti-social. Because a) the emo kid got half-and-half and that’s pathetic, and b) it doesn’t fucking matter. The bottom line is; none of these people pay my  bills or share a bed with me, so… they don’t matter.

Give credit where credit is due. When I come home to find nothing has been destroyed by my dog, I tell her she is a good girl. When I clean out my fridge at work so that bad food doesn’t stink up the office, my boss tells me how happy that makes him. Rewarding good behavior makes you and the other person feel good and increases the chances of the behavior being perpetuated. For this reason I would like to acknowledge the Awesome within a certain Alex from Chicago, who passed my blog on to a friend by the name of Kanayo as one he’s been following and finds “hysterical.” Unbeknownst to him, Kana The Grinja is a friend of mine. Small world indeed. Alex, it is evident that you rock.

Getting enough sleep is crucial. When you’re well rested you make it to work on time. This means you keep all of your good excuses for being late/not showing up for when you really need them. The flat tire excuse being thrown away on a night spent catching up on Google Buzz is totally lame. Same goes for keeping loved ones around; if you’re  bitchy due to lack of sleep, you’re wasting a bitch coupon that could’ve been saved for PMS defense. Honestly, sleep is just good for your health; it’ll keep you “fresh-faced” and frequently carded so your shallow dependence on looks is stretched a bit longer.

It’s time to eat more birthday cake now. If you want to gift me in some way, send me an email with a sordid detail about yourself. Or ask me for advice. I love talking.

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5 Responses to “Wise yet fresh-faced. I’m definitely peaking.”

  1. wanderingmenace March 15, 2010 at 06:10 #

    I like the credit where credit is due section. It’s crazy how small this world really is sometimes. Happy Birthday! If you get through 27, your status as a successful rock star diminish, but don’t worry-Cobain, Morrison, Hendrix, and Joplin didn’t soak up all the fun the world has to offer.

  2. Jennifer March 15, 2010 at 14:00 #

    Happy Birthday! Hilarioussss iphone notes lol. I really need to work on the sleep part, I am lucky to get 6 hours a night.

  3. Sean March 15, 2010 at 23:55 #

    half and half in coffee is pathetic! and happy birthday

  4. Kay March 16, 2010 at 10:49 #

    This post is definitely hilarious, for the last several months I was in a massive black hole, only looking fashinable for work purposes other then that I’d spend my time in PJ’s with puffy as eyes crying my sorrows so the few times I’d get out of the house people would look at me like “wtf” and I’d be like “yea look at me its 5pm and I’m wearing PJ’s, FYou!!!” lol..so I can def. relate to this.

    I believe in “positive reinforcement” as well. Giving credit where credit is due, will increase the probability of a good action being repeated. At the end 2 parties are happy 🙂

  5. sean weathers March 16, 2010 at 13:50 #

    ha, i always write weird observations and lines down in my phone too…especially when im messed up.
    Inebriated sentences–we can never remember what the words truly meant.

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