Guest Contributor Time!

18 Mar

I’m lucky to have nice friends who are supportive of my blogging obsession. So supportive, I think my sickness is rubbing off on them.

Olya is a Russian-born, NYC-dwelling smart, sassy, sexy, funny, honest, and FUN girl I connected with through mutual friends. We’re gonna party hardy together in Miami next week – more on that later. She felt inspired last night, and cooked up an awesome piece on being a single girl (with a slight SATC obsession) in NYC. Meet Olya, in her own words.

– – – – –

My best friend gave me the complete Sex and the City series for my 27th birthday and I just can’t stop watching it. It’s addictive.

I moved to New York City in 2006, and though the move was for no particular reason other than a change of scenery and my love for New York, I can’t help but think that the show may have played a part. Of course I realize that it’s just a show and that it’s not real, but still… it is so authentic and inspirational – I think every woman who watches it secretly wants a similar life. The romances, the fashion, the infectious, free spirited honesty of the four women… but yeah, mostly the love life.

It seems like around every corner, the Sex and the City ladies found someone more than ‘decent’ to date. At least for me, the question is obvious: “Where are these men??”

I live in Midtown – it’s a great location. I am well employed, even if kind of broke, but who isn’t these days (in NYC, especially)? I am not unfortunate looking [Juliana interjects: she’s HOT] and have a solid social life. I go out a few times a week and while I get checked out and asked out by “presentable” men, they never turn out to be as they initially portray themselves.

My latest frustrations in the dating department come from two different (yet so similar) jackasses with a love for texting. The first one – we’ll call him Jackass #1 – I met at a friend’s birthday party. We chatted only for a few minutes, but the mutual physical attraction was clear. We exchanged numbers, but as we know –

men no longer call; they text.

He texted a few days later. We had conflicting schedules that week so we just… kept texting. I was running out of patience so I asked if we could meet up for a drink. His response?

No, sorry, I have work until 9pm tomorrow, so I am going to be tired and will just go home to blaze.

SERIOUSLY?? Why the fuck are you texting me, then?

Oh you poor workaholic. I tried to be nice.

How can any normal man respond that way? A few days later he texted again, just to ask how I was doing. A gazillion texts later, there was still no prospect of an actual invitation to meet. I finally stopped responding.

As a woman (and a Piscean) I had to analyze what happened:

Why did he keep on texting me?
Did he just need someone to text to?
Did he want me to bring up going out again?
Did he want me to invite myself to go over his place to “blaze”?

I don’t have the answers. I do know that a man with no balls to ask a lady out is like a man WITH NO BALLS.

Jackass #2 I met on my 27th birthday celebration. He was cute and a bit shy, which I really liked. Again; not much conversation before exchanging numbers and going our separate ways. He texted the following day (I don’t remember the last time a man called rather than texted).

Hey Olya, happy birthday again, what are you doing tonight?

I didn’t want to play any games and had no qualms with seeming “available.” Nothing much planned, just taking it easy.

Nice, me too. Hit me up later.

Umm. WHAT? I will hit you upside the head right about now. NO BALLS.

I decided to ignore the absurdity, but he was back for more the next day.

Hey, we are watching TV at home if you want to stop by. We might also go to the movies later.

OK, really? Who the fuck are “we” and why would I go over your place when I met you for five minutes? I was confused and wondered if he was gay, living with a partner and maybe looking to experiment with a woman – it’s possible my Sex in the City overload is to blame, but it honestly wouldn’t shock me. I was livid and couldn’t let it go for a few hours. I thought about actually calling to let him know that his horrid manners are in need of some polishing.

If both jackasses just wanted to sleep with me, it’s fine – at least take me out for a drink! Alas, men are lazy and have no understanding of chivalry; telephone conversations and getting-to-know-you walks in the park are no more. It’s all been reduced to texting and fucking. To be fair, men aren’t solely to blame – but that is a whole ‘nother topic.

Today I find myself sitting at the computer after work with two open tabs: jdate.com and okcupid.com, while contemplating signing up for Millionaire Matchmaker. Yes, it’s true, I feel just as pathetic as you are judging me to be. But what can I do? The world lives online and if I can’t find a decent man in person, perhaps I can find him on the web.

This isn’t about me being cynical; I still believe that there are great men out there. Nor is it about me being 27 and having a “running out of time” dilemma. I am actually not in the freak out zone (yet) to get married and pop out babies, even though I sometimes contemplate calling losers from my past (the ones who made me throw up a little in my mouth) just so I may go on a proper “date.” But I haven’t and won’t. A little vomiting may be a quick way to lose a few pounds, but I’d rather not mess with my sanity.

So I am giving online dating a shot and still searching – not for a Mr. Right – but at least for a Mr. Right Now. WITH BALLS.

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11 Responses to “Guest Contributor Time!”

  1. Mitya March 18, 2010 at 15:01 #

    Those guys just have no idea what they are doing combined with aforementioned lack of balls.

    Also, definitely would like to see more posts from you.

  2. id March 18, 2010 at 16:11 #

    Ok, here are my thoughts:
    – Guys text because they either think is less aggressive or because they really don’t know what to say on the phone.
    – Not wanting to date/sleep with you does not mean they don’t like to brag about you with their friends.
    Hope to see you in NYC this wknd if you get off those dating sites in time 🙂

  3. inna March 18, 2010 at 16:20 #

    great writing olya! i too am baffled by these men’s behaviors…

    “A little vomiting may be a quick way to lose a few pounds, for I’d rather not mess with my sanity” = love it

  4. Barbara March 18, 2010 at 20:22 #

    I’ll never understand guys.

  5. Robin March 18, 2010 at 22:24 #

    I whole heartedly agree that texting is ruining “Dating” much less, romance, as we know it. It’s certainly the half ass, procrastinator’s way to say “s’up” “s’up” “s’up” – kILL ME NOW for hours, without actually saying anything.

    Also, have to say it and totally minor but I’d beg to differ that the SATC ladies seemingly found great men to date around every corner – I think that’s why the show resonated so well with young women – the ridiculous men they encountered made you feel like you weren’t the only ones to have those things happen to!

  6. Juliana March 19, 2010 at 08:39 #

    I feel compelled to quote my favorite chick flick, Bridget Jones’ Diary…

    “there’s been all these bloody hints and stuff, but has he ever stuck his fucking tongue down your fucking throat?”

    we’re dealing with a new breed of men… men TOO LAZY to go after SEX. many theses should come of this phenomenon.

  7. Mitya March 19, 2010 at 11:43 #

    Ok, in defense of texting… it is a totally awesome communication tool when used properly. The problem isn’t the texting, it is what is being texted. Imagine how much worse the content of those messages would have been when relayed over the telephone:

    “Whooo let the dooogs out!? Woof. Woof. Woof Woof.” (Olya’s ring tone)
    Olya: Hello?
    New Turd: “Hey, you free tonight?”
    Olya: Yea, just chillin’.
    New Turd: “Oh ok. Bye.”
    Olya: …
    New Turd: “I… I love you.”
    Olya: …

    • Juliana March 19, 2010 at 11:53 #

      HAHA! “new turd” – hidden joke. clever boy.

      lol… ok.. maybe we should be thankful for texting?
      i don’t know anything anymore. i’m not qualified to give input, because i don’t date. what is dating? what is penis?

  8. Kanwal March 19, 2010 at 23:28 #

    Oyla, I agree with Juliana – you’re hot! And the men – they’re assholes. They were obviously hoping to strike it lucky with a hottie like you. Sigh.

    But hey, keep your hopes up high. You just might bump into someone at the grocery store, spill all your grocery and pick it up (together). Just like it happens in the movies. In the West. =P

    • Juliana March 20, 2010 at 12:07 #

      hahah! yes, kanwal. and that’s why i need to remember to not look like a bucket of poop every time i make a quick groceries run… you never know where one might bump into Mr. Right Now With Balls… don’t think that’s an issue for Olya, though. the girl couldn’t look bad if she tried.

  9. Sean Weathers March 27, 2010 at 18:06 #

    ha, i hope you dont have to resort to (the ones who made me throw up a little in my mouth). chivalry is dead for many people these days, but i think a lot of it stems from the confusion of gender roles in our current society. have fun in Miami…im similarly relaxing in ft lauderdale at the moment:)

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