Introducing: Vajuice blend

18 Mar

Dermatologists {yawn}

The last time a couple of chicks put their faces on a product was when Proactiv came out. Weh weh weh…. Great, so they turned around the lives of many pimply kids the world over, helping them rediscover self-confidence and focus on inner beauty (now that everyone else found them physically acceptable). Well done. But what Drs. Rodan and Fields didn’t tell you was that clear skin is no guarantee for getting laid. Nothing is, really, short of cold hard cash and the courage to pick up a prostitute (or the chick who seems to defy the laws of beer goggles even after a $100 tab. Brutal).

If you are having trouble coming to terms with the fact that you could really go for some female nectar but you don’t want to be a manwhore (or, let’s face it, you have no game – email me, I’ll give you some pointers)… we may have the answer for you.

After months conducting research, discussion, and testing to come up with their revolutionary new product, Certified Awesome Females (CAF) Masha and Juliana bring you: Vajuice™ – a blend of organic, no preservatives added vagina juice, carefully harvested from the finest, disease-free, barely-legal female human specimens, to quench your thirst when you can’t get any.

Certified Awesome Females Juliana and Masha

The man who finds himself with no foreseeable prospect of getting laid is forced to take care of business on his own, spending hours per month, alone, doing someone else’s job – and not getting pussy. That really really sucks.

CAF Masha and Juliana understand how frustrating getting no pussy can be and the level of stress it adds to a man’s already very busy life.

But we also understand that most men still would prefer to masturbate with Sasha Grey on the screen, rather than have to post bail for soliciting a prostitute.

So if you can’t get ass on your own, dear friend, we’re here to at least help you make it through your time of need with dignity. When your arm gets tired, your forehead pales with sweat, and you get that job done – you deserve vagina juice.

Studies show that for a healthy-libido male

every Saturday night that ends with Jerkens, err, Jergens on the nightstand :  his manhood


one more glass of Jack Daniels : Slash’s liver

Slash's liver is in there

You may not notice it right away, but your condition worsens as the months pass, leaving you irritated, depressed, and sometimes obese and alcoholic. These side effects make it even more unlikely that you will find anyone willing to sleep with you. It’s a terrible cycle.

So what is a man to do?
Stop beating the meat? Laughable.
Risk trouble with the law? No, no, too drastic.

He drinks Vajuice. Vajuice blend will help him replenish all of his sexy vitamins and minerals, positively reinstating his virility and balancing his Ph levels so as to emit a powerful, staunchly male scent that warns off other males and draws in bitches. With Vajuice, a man will feel like a real man again, even when he’s not actually getting any.

To cater to men’s discerning tastes, we currently offer our product in four distinct flavors:

Big-boobied Commie
Big-bottomed Latina
Submissive Asian

New flavors will be introduced to the market soon, including the very popular and highly requested Ebony, as well as the fun and tasty Mixed Race Punch.

It’s about time men felt as good as they were bred to. Pick up a few bottles of Vajuice for the weekend – you worked hard, and you deserve a taste of vagina, damn it.


19 Responses to “Introducing: Vajuice blend”

  1. wanderingmenace March 18, 2010 at 08:01 #

    “or the chick who seems to defy the laws of beer goggles even after a $100 tab. Brutal”

    • Juliana March 18, 2010 at 08:35 #

      it was so late at night… lol. fatigue/confusion had a lot to do with this…

    • Jackie February 4, 2011 at 11:40 #

      Well…. it’s really depressing having to come up with a vagina juice when the market is in full bloom for….friends with benefits (FWB)… now… this is a really interesting concept… any thoughts? done that too???

  2. inna March 18, 2010 at 11:26 #

    i’m crying

    • Juliana March 18, 2010 at 11:34 #

      crying… from love?

      PS – you’re my ginger inspiration, hope you realized that.

      • k March 18, 2010 at 16:57 #

        hahah inna’s a ginger.

  3. Martin March 18, 2010 at 12:10 #

    You should offer a sampler pack of all varieties and..umm.. flavors.

    • Juliana March 18, 2010 at 14:01 #

      trying to score a freebie, martin???

      • Martin March 18, 2010 at 14:26 #

        You see right through me.

  4. Anonymoose March 18, 2010 at 16:32 #

    Holy ballsweat! Wow ju, your thinly veiled flavors almost make it sound like you’re pimpin’ your own lady friends. I’ll take some SA please 😉

    • k March 18, 2010 at 16:56 #

      Gross…. is that you?! I knew you had an asian-fetish! or is it really just an addiction to juice? do you want the platter? with a side of rice?

  5. k March 18, 2010 at 17:09 #

    Juzi- I’m thinking of starting to call you Juzi. It’s like the Japanified version of your name. Everyone else has a nickname for you (Juzinhah, Ju…) I should have one, too. Juzi is almost like Muzzi.
    Well at any rate, Juzi, I like that you and Masha look so serious about your Vajuice. It makes me very happy.

    • Juliana March 19, 2010 at 15:16 #

      fucking great. love it. and Juzi makes it sounds like i can be ridden hard and fast. did i really just fucking write that? i mean, how unacceptable is that? that’s the sort of thing you think in your head then erase because you don’t want to be a fucking desperate loser who can’t come up with anything that isn’t sexually related.

      i need a walk.

  6. Living with Balls March 19, 2010 at 11:47 #

    What’s the difference between organic and non-organic vagina juice?

    • Juliana March 19, 2010 at 12:37 #

      Dear John from Living with Balls,
      Thank you for your recent inquiry about our revolutionary new product, the Vajuice blend.

      We want to assure you that our product is certified (by the CAFA) as organic vagina juice from female human vaginas, and not robots or goats.

      Thanks again for your interest in our product. Let us know if you have any further questions.

      Juliana and Masha, CAF

      • Mitya March 19, 2010 at 12:49 #

        what about robot goats?

  7. Juliana March 19, 2010 at 15:10 #

    Dear Mitya, aka Dmitriy,

    Strictly female homo sapiens vajayjay juice is extracted and used for Vajuice blends – this does indeed exclude goats, robots, and robot goats. We are looking into setting up factory tours for our most valued clients. Stay tuned.

    Many thanks,
    J & M, CAF

    • Martin March 19, 2010 at 15:12 #

      How do you determine “most valued clients?” Is that based on ordering volume and frequency?

      Or, like, is there a sign-up sheet or something…

      • Juliana March 19, 2010 at 15:22 #

        We’re currently coming up with the criteria.
        Will certainly note suggestion of “sign-up sheet.”

        Yours sincerely,
        Juliana, CAF

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