THE RED SCARE

2 Apr

Pre
Menstrual
Syndrome

Welcome. Today is day 1 of April PMSing. I’ve written before about a highly effective coping mechanism, but seeing as I’m at work, self-medicating isn’t an option. What I’ll choose to do instead is share this fucking burden with you, my reader (and subsequently, friend).  AND YOU WILL READ ALL OF IT, YOU HEAR ME? NO SKIPPING PARTS! AND LAUGH AT APPROPRIATE TIMES!

[deep breath]

A girl who’s in tune with her body – as I like to think I am – can generally detect the first symptoms of this recurring, unamusing prank from nature. This particular month my Redcoat visitor (so charming, all of a sudden!) brings a goodie basket of:

Anxiety
Sitting at my desk, fidgeting and worrying about ALL of the tasks I need to accomplish, thus spending my time engaging in none of them isn’t very efficient, is it? Well, that’s what I’m doing. Even better when I remember all of the personal tasks I have to accomplish too. Clean my apartment. Put up a Craigslist ad to help it get rented. Call Directv and ask them kindly to return the $350 they deducted from my account without authorization or good reason. I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to… PLEASE, GOD, LIFT THIS HEAVY BALL OF DUTY-VOMIT OFF MY BACK, I NEED TO BREATHE.

Neediness
Can I have a hug?
Why? Are you in a bad mood or something?
No, I’m in a good mood, I just need a hug.
Okaaay. Weirdo. [he hugs me]

Irrational Thoughts
Life would be so much easier if I just got married to a really rich guy and could stay home doing NOTHING. I could deal without self-realization, being a waste of oxygen, occasionally debating if I could be classified as the ultimate prostitute, hiding my shame deep into the subconscious with the help of alcohol and drugs for every time I charge the credit card for a pair of stilettos that I think will make me look good and feel better because once someone slips a big fat shiny ring on my finger, I’ll instantly learn how to and enjoy walking strapped to such sadist contraptions. Forget exercising and challenging my faculties and finding a person who respects and appreciates my mind, and thinks of me as an equal, and a life partner with a hot bod.

Anxiety
Oh yea, I already went through that.

Horniness

It’s very strange, because it isn’t sex that is appealing to me now. It’s just making out and smelling a dude’s scent and being touched. But not sex itself, necessarily (though I could be persuaded if I were already involved with said dude).  Note it is imperative that he be manly and sweaty, preferably post sports-match or something. It’s not gross, it’s just my hormones. I don’t appreciate your judgment. Oh, you weren’t judging? Sorry, I’m a little defensive.

Emotional Emptiness
Ever been on a really scary roller coaster, or taken ecstasy, or punched a wall/door in anger? These activities can leave you feeling pretty drained afterward, huh? A black hole of emotions where sad and happy, tired and energetic, talkative and anti-social all meet and penetrate one another, forming a blob of nothingness. Yeah, I kind of feel like that. They’re all inside me, yet I can produce nothing. It’s like a sharp, involuntary intake of breath seconds before what you THINK is going to be a massive, super satisfying sneeze and… nothing. It’s like dry humping for forty minutes, then hearing the parents walking down the hall, forcing you to take seats at opposite sides of the bedroom, borderline catatonic, unsure if you’re angry or sad, because your hormones were LIED TO.

At least there’s been no crying. On the contrary, I’m feeling sort of… RAAWWRR! I just wanna go home and take a long walk with the dog, while listening to music and then return to clean the shit out of that apartment!


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8 Responses to “THE RED SCARE”

  1. The Mercurial Wife April 2, 2010 at 17:57 #

    PMS sucks ass, doesn’t it?

    I’m feeling like a jackass and my mens ended 2 days ago. I think I’m suffering from post-mens syndrome. If that does exist.

    Anyway, here’s a big hug to you! And hope you get back your mojo asap! ;p

  2. wanderingmenace April 3, 2010 at 01:09 #

    Man can I relate. This past week I have spent most of my time daydreaming about various carbohydrates including, but not limited to:

    chocolate cake
    twinkies
    piles of carbonara
    garlic bread
    cheeseburgers
    onion rings
    mozza sticks
    mashed potatoes
    &
    doughnuts

    I have also been irrationally irritated with my dog and anyone within a five mile radius.

    Sending you my sympathies
    I suggest you go to a sports game, eat nachos, and then make out with one of the players.
    yummy

  3. Barbara April 3, 2010 at 08:28 #

    😦 Being a woman can really suck sometimes.

  4. amburgular April 3, 2010 at 10:18 #

    Oooh man. I find myself literally shocked every month that I have any friends left.

    People just don’t understand….I am like certifiably insane. I know it sounds like a cop-out to say “I’m sorry I ripped your face off, but I had PMS.” But damn it, it’s true!

    Sigh.

  5. Juliana April 3, 2010 at 13:52 #

    i hug all of you ladies. WE STAND INSANE AND UNITED!

    johanna – just when you think the worst is over… yes, Post MS totally exists.
    ryan – i yelled at tori 2 nights ago for no reason. “stop looking at me! go find something to do. ARGH!” of course i felt bad and we spooned shortly after.

  6. Martin April 3, 2010 at 17:08 #

    That picture scarred me. Deeply.

  7. Kanwal April 5, 2010 at 09:30 #

    God, I become a MONSTER when I’m pms-ing. My husband dreads that time of the month. Lol.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] red scare arrives next week, Christmas is tomorrow, and I just got dumped mere minutes before I used that […]

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