Things I don’t understand

7 Apr

I slept for 12.5 hours last night and woke up before the alarm of slavery sounded. Stuck my nose to the window, felt the warmth of Spring Sun around my nostrils and thought, “By golly, what a joyous occasion, to rise alert on this exquisite morning. Tori, let’s go for a long walk.”

Girl and dog bounced down the street in glasses and harness, respectively, forcing a smile out of every passerby’s lips with our morning gaiety. During our forty minute walk, I removed my pullover to hug the sun rays with every pore, and to minimize the sweating. I also used the time to think about things I don’t understand.

1. Boob jobs
Call me old school, but I truly believe there’s nothing more appealing than a natural girl. Small boobs, big boobs, fat nose, Christy Turlington’s nose, big booty, pancake butt… whatever. A natural girl with a pretty smile wins over silicone for me every time. And I’m not even into chicks.

Posh. I'll take the 1.0, please!

Super cute VS Super scary

I get it BOOBS = FEMALE in the male mind. You wanna grab them and… stuff. But that’s just it; they may look all big and womanly, but hopefully you’re gonna be touching them too. These things don’t look very soft and feminine. They’re scary torpedoes that may cause injury depending on the activities in which you three choose to engage.
Oftentimes  if you look carefully from the neck down you’ll see flat, flat, flat, BOOM, giant balls! What’s feminine and delicate about that? I’d rather see small, pretty, soft boobs. There may not be enough surface area for certain games, but they sure are cute and harmless! Perhaps if I were flat-chested or a mother of many children I might have a different opinion. But for the most part – and certainly in the illustrated cases – I just don’t get it.

2. Time

Even Einstein struggled with this one for years, so I don’t feel bad. But honestly… time, man. It ASTOUNDS me how religiously we live by and depend on this concept we don’t even really understand. I have to be at work at 9am, I’m annoyed if I can’t leave at 5pm, I get anxious if I’m not in bed by 12am. I’m often yelled at for being late, and I make my daily decisions taking the time into consideration first. I get it – it’s paramount to civilization. To produce X, we need Z number of laborers present and working. How do we achieve this? We give them an easy-to-grasp measurement by which they’ll be held accountable: clock-in time. But the reality is, time is a concept; a measurement of a phenomenon as we perceive it. The only reason it’s noon right now is because the Earth turns on its axis at about 1,500km/hr where I live. If it moved faster, it would be another time, another, day, another year. Everything would be shifted. Time is fucking relative to where you are, where you’re going and how fast you’re getting there. And if I finally succeed at building the at-speed-of-light boat I’m fixing up in my backyard, I’ll be fucking timeless, bitches. More untouchable than Sean Connery. You know what’s really messed up? I think all this stuff I just wrote is kind of right. Actually, I bet it’s ridden with flaws. But the truth is, time isn’t what you and I live by; it’s much more complex, it kind of pisses me off, and I just don’t understand it.

3. Pregnant woman fetishes
This confounds me. I’m a sexually open-minded individual. I have some unorthodox predilections of my own, but really? Pregnant ladies? Every time I see a “preggo video” screen freeze, I shudder. Good god, she’s pregnant! Get her a pillow and some lemonade! She could pee at any instant! OK, maybe that’s part of the appeal… What about BBWs, or Big Tits videos, do they not suffice? What is it, about the pregnant woman? Is she extra horny? What if she cries in the middle of sex? It can’t be super comfortable managing an 8 month belly and 4 penises. Pregnant women should be wearing yellow frilly dresses, pink lipgloss, and small flowers on their unprocessed hair, showing just a hint of the fantastic cleavage that comes with motherhood. Not fishnet tights and jizzed out hair. I truly don’t get it.

I would *honestly* appreciate some insight into any of the above-mentioned topics.


23 Responses to “Things I don’t understand”

  1. Aaron April 7, 2010 at 11:47 #

    Really great real breasts are the best, nothing better. But if you(any woman) can’t have these naturally, why not have them artificially? If you have poor eye sight, you get glasses, if you have poor boobies, get fake ones. Plus men are wired to be attracted to certain features on women, breasts being one of these features. I’ve had moments when I thought these things were the greatest invention since fire. Might even have them put on my thighs and cut all my pockets out of all my pants, walking around feeling them all day.
    Time is a bitch, but you can’t fight it. We needed a system for measuring the Earth’s cycles, this is what we have. Be thankful, if you needed to go to the Doctor, you’ll know someones there thanks to this. Great line by the way “I’ll be fucking timeless, bitches”. I wish I thought of it.
    I’m trying to avoid getting any woman pregnant, since I can barely manage my life at the moment. I don’t know why any guy in my position would watch it, it would turn me off. I’d start thinking stuff like “I wonder how much she’s getting paid and will it be enough for the kid? If I had some girl carrying my kid, will I be able to afford this?” Shit like that. And well I’m sure a woman who’s pregnant is attractive to who ever is having the baby with her(mostly), they’re not to the rest of us(mostly, except for a few freaks). Basically I can’t answer anything about prego porn and don’t want to. As far as multiple penis’ are concerned, that’s not my idea of sexy, I don’t care who the woman is and whether she’s pregnant or not. My sexual fantasies are one penis fantasies, my own penis, that’s it.

    • Juliana April 7, 2010 at 12:01 #

      hahahaha!!! “one penis fantasies, my own” – i like it.
      also… maybe i need to feel some fake boobs. i imagine they’d feel hard and heavy, not soft and fun. what am i talking about, i don’t need to feel any boobs. i’m fine not understanding.

    • mitya April 7, 2010 at 19:42 #

      I agree with Aaron on the boobs issue. As far as the rest of it, I don’t feel like thinking about it.

      • Juliana April 7, 2010 at 20:18 #

        touché, mon ami. today’s score:
        mitya 1
        buttbaby 0

  2. Lorna April 7, 2010 at 12:58 #

    I totally am with you about the time thing…I’ve always been curious about it. Let me know when you’ve built your boat, ’cause I reckon we’ll be 2 super timeless untouchables,the rest can kiss our asses!haha
    Yeah,about the boobs thing…I still don’t get it…and as for prego porn,um,i DUNNO!

    So it looks like we’re in that same old boat chicky;)

    • Juliana April 7, 2010 at 13:39 #

      i like that idea very much

  3. Martin April 7, 2010 at 13:05 #

    Juliana…I didn’t think I would ever say this to any woman, like ever, but…you watch entirely too much pornography.

    • Juliana April 7, 2010 at 13:38 #

      LOL. i really really don’t. I honestly don’t. truly, truly. TRULY! during my single months in college, yes. but not anymore.

      • Martin April 7, 2010 at 13:45 #


        You’re like the guy from the Dos Equis commercial.

        “I do not always watch porn, but when I do, I prefer prego porn.”


  4. Juliana April 7, 2010 at 13:54 #

    siiiick! i promise i don’t watch preggo porn. but then again, what if i did? they need love too. ok, no, really, no preggo porn for me. and if this is some kind of trap to get me to talk about what i like, it ain’t gonna work.

    • Martin April 7, 2010 at 14:02 #

      I think the last thing a preggo woman needs is more love. But what the hell do I know?

      And no, it was no trap…BUT, now that you mention it…future blog perhaps? Annnnnddd….we’re agreed!

  5. The Mercurial Wife April 7, 2010 at 15:22 #

    Yes what’s with fake big boobs? I still don’t understand it. If they are naturally big then heck ! even I’d drool. But silicone turns me off.

  6. Barbara April 7, 2010 at 15:54 #

    My boyfriend has always said he hates big boobs. He’s totally turned off my fake ones. I always just thought he was saying that to make me feel better about my lack of boobs, but apparently a lot of guys agree with him!

    • Juliana April 7, 2010 at 16:23 #

      B, I don’t believe any man would turn down playtime with a pair of Salma Hayek-ish breasteses (honestly…. I might poke them if no one’s looking) BUT everyone’s got their preferences. Amen for ass-men; they make you and me feel like super models.

      J – I guess we don’t have enough testosterone in us to understand. That’s ok.

  7. Martin April 7, 2010 at 18:41 #

    I had an ex-gf with fakies. My Dad called them “bolt-ons.”

    Anyway. They are hard and, like, they don’t move much.

    • Juliana April 7, 2010 at 18:52 #

      hahahah!martin… you’re the best.

  8. wanderingmenace April 8, 2010 at 07:16 #

    Regarding the boobs: no way, no thanks. But I mean, I say that because I have some. I guess it would be different for girls with absolutely nothing. Men like giant tits, so I get why they are into them-I guess. Plus, so many porn stars have them that maybe men equate them with that. who knows?

    Time: fuck it. I hate watches. Wait no, that’s not true, I like watches that look cool but they never have batteries that work and I absolutely never know what time it is. This drives everyone I know insane. But hey, I get by. And I want to get a pocketwatch to make myself feel more important-but thats a whole different story.

    Pregs porn. Hmmmmm. Not sure what on earth the appeal is there, but given some of the other porn categories I guess I’m not totally surprised. Though I agree, pregnant women should be off glowing in dresses and eating everything in sight. Not sucking cock for a living. Someday that kid is going to know he/she was at one time-in a porn.

    Well those are my thoughts miss.

    • Juliana April 8, 2010 at 08:01 #

      (sometimes i wear two watches on the same wrist. i can’t pick, they’re both cool. apparently it’s not good for my rep)

      • wanderingmenace April 8, 2010 at 08:17 #

        one of these days we are going to have to randomly pick a place in the world and share some beers

  9. Juliana April 8, 2010 at 08:26 #

    agreed. i vote for seattle. i’m also kind of hoping to see everyone wearing flannels wrapped around their waist, driving around talking in their car phones.

  10. me April 8, 2010 at 13:18 #

    fake boobs are the absolute WORST. they feel and look, well, fake. cannot understand the attraction. what freaks me out even more, though, is that some guys are into that – boobs up to the neck that are clearly very fake. i don’t even know if “boobs” is the correct term for silicone/saline filled implanted sacks??? so gross.

  11. The Girl Is Goosed April 9, 2010 at 11:21 #

    I don’t get preggo porn either. I will restrain from commenting further on the topic. Never got myself to click on the frozen frame *brrrr* and I doubt I will.

  12. Barloga July 27, 2010 at 23:39 #

    i dont think ill comment much about porno pregos. but did hook up with a couple gals that were hella into choking (it was hella tight btw). when we finished it would be a bit on the gnarly side but she would be like “the fuck you doin’? dont stop! *cough – gasping for air – cough* IM FINE!”
    and time? I KNOW, RIGHT!! became a lil obsessed with the concept came across some new age stuff where time is inward vs. outward. now if those girls would fill me in on those theories i can guarantee you id be just as turned on as the infamous choke out sessions hahah
    nice post – it was hella legit and hella entertaining.
    (who needs TV anyway? 😉

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