Expectations

I dated a father of two children. I was pretty sure we’d get married and live a nice suburban life together. It actually turned out that we broke up and I’m back to being single in the city.

I vowed to stop spending money on unnecessary crap that has little chance of survival, given my dog’s penchant for destruction and my inability to stay organized for longer than three weeks. Well, what do you know, I just exchanged $75 for this piece of awesome:

love me

Last night, with a disillusioned heart, I agreed with the voices in my head that we’d all scurry home to write an inspired piece on humanity’s dire need for communication – how ironic it is that, with all of the mediums at our disposal, we continue to talk AT one another. Perhaps it is too easy to get a word out, and so words are spoken with little care for their weight or validity.

Of course, by the time I got home, my disillusionment took a back seat to the prospect of cuddling with my furry friend and watching a movie. For reasons I’ve yet to analyze, lately there have been many conversations about drugs in my bubble of existence. Online, television shows, a debate with my boss… not shockingly, the predominant opinion is “drugs are bad.. mmkaaaay.”  These circumstances led me to choose Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas for last night’s viewing.

The act of engaging in futile conversation (the kind you know will lead to nothing but accelerated carpal tunnel syndrome and missed chuckles on 9gag.com) was ruled out by the Good Juliana in my head.  Except I just closed my eyes and shifted them to the top right corner of their sockets and got a glimpse of the poor girl, bound and gagged and asleep on a chair; Bad Juliana had done it again, and now… my words are forever registered on the internets,  foolishly fighting a lose-lose battle, intertwined nonsensically with the other regurgitations that will be altogether avoided by the wiser.

Action plans are important; we are wired to set and achieve goals. Life is an overwhelming bottomless ocean without some purpose. But expectations – I like to chuck ’em. When they infiltrate my thoughts, Bad and Good Julianas unite and vomit all over them, forcing them to retreat in shame and disgust.

You know why? Because I learned so much about relationships and my needs from dating the Dad. In fact, I believe some of my happiest moments wouldn’t have occurred had I not learned those lessons.

I like wearing pretty things. Dresses and colorful watches make me happy. I’ll stick to home-cooked meals and blog only from home next week and my bank account won’t know the difference. I can adjust.

I didn’t write my speech-post, but now I’m writing this one. I watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It’s heavily sprinkled with brilliant quotes and imagery, and never ceases to make me laugh.  Tori and I cuddled throughout the film and that made both of us very happy. It probably added 7 minutes to her lifetime.

As far as the online forum participation goes… it hasn’t stopped. I conducted a little experiment. And what do you know, the lesson I learned is entirely different and more useful than what I imagined I might get out of it.