My bitch doesn’t like being touched by strangers

24 May

Hello, sunny Saturday afternoon.  We meet at the park, as I read, sitting on a long bench, facing the water. There are sounds of bickering birds and squirrels that screech from the top of trees – they warn one another of my bitch’s presence. She sits by my feet, facing the walkway. Looks calm and adorable, but have a try at petting her… vicious. Spends her minutes grooming and waiting, like a cat, until the squirrels’ve forgotten all about her and return to ground.  The furry toothy creatures venture into the open grassy field, dangerously far from the vertical safety of trees, in search of summer treats. My bitch sits and watches, her ears perfectly erect triangles, as if she could hear their munching from such a distance.

“Get it. Get the squirrel. Get it, Tori. Go!” I taunt her in a whisper, lest the squirrel hear me and dismantle my plans of watching my dog run – run as fast as her stubby legs can take her, on a mission to chase something she’ll never catch. She sets off (could give a puppy a run for its money, in all her mature glory) and seconds later, halts at the bottom of the tree – the rodent is halfway up, having started the screeching as soon as its sticky little paws got a hold of the trunk. Bitch walks around the tree, lifts a leg to pee, as though she were male, and digs nails into dirt, sweeping it backward to imprint her scent.

“My tree. My squirrel. My park. And that’s my mistress,” I think she thinks, as she struts back to the bench. Yep – I’m the mistress, and I’ve taken notice  of the dirty blond to my right. He lifts eyes off his book every time Tori dashes after some woodsy creature. Guys tend to like my bitch; she’s small, but has personality and a “real dog” bark. From a distance I like his looks. But what am I going to do; walk over and say ‘hi?’ Nope, nope.  My eyes are now on the Park Animal Undercover Protector. It’s pro-bono work, you see. Just like the guy who brings mineral water for the weeds growing by the river, the Park Animal Undercover Protector is dressed in civilian clothes, but her panoramic sight is fixed on geese, birds, ducks, and squirrels.

“No, no,” she screams.
“No, what?” I ask. Maybe I’m looking for an argument – not my fault, I haven’t spoken to anyone all day, and it’s nearly 5pm. That’s a lie. I exchanged words with the sub shop guy.
“No chasing the geese.”
“What’s that, my dog can’t chase the geese?” Oh jeez, I’m arguing with the crazy lady who feeds ducks.
“No, it’s not fair to the geese,” she says. The birds are huddled by a tree near the water, and she stands in front of them, arms out.
“I think the geese are fine. I don’t hear them complaining. I don’t think they really want you speaking on their behalf.”
“Your dog needs to be on a leash. It’s the law.”
“May be, but I don’t think it’s fair to her.”
“I’m calling the police.”

She really does take out a cell phone from her pocket, so I imagine how the call would play out:
“911, what‘s your emergency?”
“Yes, I’m at the Charles River Reservation Park and there’s a girl here with a dog off leash.”
“OK, ma’am, has the dog attacked anyone?”
“No, but it’s scaring the geese!”

No cops show up. Bummer.

Dirty blond boy is now returning from a walk he’d set on before the Park Animal Undercover Protector and I had our talk. Once I spot him, I fix my gaze back on the pages in my hands – and forget about Tori. I lift my head as I hear her growl, and grab her by the harness before her teeth connect with the boy’s ankle.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!”
“No, it’s OK,” he says. His eyes are wide, and I think his voice is shaky. “It’s my fault, I tried to pet her.”
“Well, it’s not right. But yeah, she doesn’t do well with strangers, especially men. I’m really sorry.”
“It’s OK, don’t worry. I had a puppy once and he…”

I’m shushing Tori; she’s still growling at the poor boy. He won’t take his eyes off her as he starts walking away, sort of sideways-backwards.

“Anyway,” he says. “Have a good one!”
“You too.”

Suddenly she’s docile again, wagging her tail and licking my shins. Bitch.


11 Responses to “My bitch doesn’t like being touched by strangers”

  1. Matt May 24, 2010 at 09:00 #

    Awww, Tori totally blocked you.

  2. Mr. Apron May 24, 2010 at 09:20 #

    That asshole was wrong. Those geese totally get off on that shit. Little attention-craving sluts.

  3. Danaconda May 24, 2010 at 10:02 #

    Why can’t women ever approach?

    “I think the geese are fine. I don’t hear them complaining. I don’t think they really want you speaking on their behalf.” – Well done.

    My dog’s a bitch too…it’s great. Attention-craving, insanely loyal, with the constant need to tell the world, “I own you…if you disagree, see what happens.”

    • Juliana May 24, 2010 at 11:04 #

      women CAN approach.. it’s just.. i’d rather read my book. lol. kinda sad, huh?

      • Danaconda May 24, 2010 at 12:35 #

        Na, it’s not that sad. Most women are like that. It’s probably better that way because if the average woman approached a guy and it didn’t work out, they would NEVER even consider doing it again. Plus, if a woman approached a guy he’s immediately thinking, “Okay, she wants to fuck,” meanwhile her intentions could be something completely different.

  4. Sara May 24, 2010 at 11:04 #

    We really need to solve this problem concerning our dogs being bitches. I bet if Tori met Penny Lane, they would probably talk shit about how fat all the other dogs on the block are.

  5. Martin May 24, 2010 at 14:36 #

    What a little cock-blocker.

  6. Barbara R May 25, 2010 at 11:18 #

    “I think the geese are fine. I don’t hear them complaining. I don’t think they really want you speaking on their behalf.”

    I would have loved to see you say that! 🙂

  7. shoutinoutloud June 9, 2010 at 21:58 #

    My dog and your bitch could be the brother-sis-lover thingy.That would work out well ;)Is yours on a sexin’ over drive too? 😛

    Just found your blog,love it!Congratulations on being the featured blogger on 20sb 🙂

  8. Jenny June 10, 2010 at 09:48 #

    HAHA cock blocked by a dog. ;P I know that feeling. It’s called my 5 yr old xD

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