God was a sex addicted communist and Adam was a pussy

27 May

I’m reading the Bible. OK, I’m reading the Book of Genesis. OK, I’m reading the Book of Genesis as illustrated by R. Crumb. It’s pretty awesome. I’d never read Genesis before, and had mostly skimmed through the assigned Bible pages from Religion class. Now as an adult, with proper illustrations, I feel I’m well-equipped to state a few opinions on the significance of the text.

1. God was a communist dictator but not a very bright one

In Fordian society – of the novel Brave New World – everyone has a job, food, is mostly disease free, has plenty of sexual partners, and a monthly allowance of hallucinogens that keeps them happy and provides a nice ‘holiday’ from any stress that may arise. How lucky!

Yet we learn, as the story unfolds, that all this is only possible because people don’t have much choice. They are told what to think, what to read, how to act, and what to like – and there is no access to anything that might contradict what they’re being fed. In this society, even the family unit is no more; babies are made in labs and raised in schools by nurses who don’t give them any “love” or preferential treatment – a crazy, super controlling totalitarian regime, right?

Then you have God; He created a beautiful planet Earth in six days, and offered it to man and woman to enjoy and control. Adam and Eve ate delicious meat, smoked quality herbs, and lived a wonderful, carefree existence, courtesy of God. How Benevolent!

Except…

He planted a tree of knowledge and told Adam and Eve they could have everything, except for a fruit from this one tree.

He gives no good reason as to why Adam and Eve can’t have a fruit from a tree that looks like any other. There’s no “if you eat this you’ll die because it’s poisonous,” or “if you eat this, you’ll kill others with your poisonous farts.” It’s just “no, because I said so, and I’ve given you everything you could possibly want so do as I say or I’ll fucking kill you.”  Sounds pretty totalitarian to me.

AND, it wasn’t until Adam and Eve ate the damn forbidden fruit that they found out God had made them stupid. They had no idea they were naked! The fruit opened their eyes to the world – it let them SEE that they were naked, and so they could then DECIDE for themselves if they wanted to run around like naked hippies or cover themselves up as decent folk. God didn’t even give them the OPTION. He made them dumb and scared them shitless to keep them simple (I’ll tell you why on point #2).

Sure He gave them lots of good stuff to enjoy. Fidel Castro provided excellent health care and primary schooling to his people, but he’s still a dirty commie in everyone’s eyes. God’s a dirty commie too.

But not a very smart one. He could create ANYTHING He wanted and erase anything He wanted. Instead of stressing himself out with having to come down and check on Earth every few days and make sure Adam and Eve weren’t eating anything forbidden, He should’ve just not planted the fucking tree. He should’ve created a really high, icy, stinky mountain of knowledge. Adam and Eve wouldn’t have tried to climb it; they had better shit to do. God may be omnipotent, but He sure wasn’t very bright.

2. God was a voyeur, into bestiality and incest

Initially, God was perfectly happy  to watch man wanking away day after day, in solitude.  But when his own hand stopped sufficing, Adam became lonely and depressed. God was quick to create a bunch of new animals (I’m sure each contained a line of ‘special interest’ in its DNA – whatever God was fantasizing about that week) and watch, as Adam and Creatures tried to “get along.” When they didn’t work, He finally gave man a woman.

Not just any woman, though. God gave Adam a sister.

God knocked him out, cut him up, and stole a rib. Out of ALL THINGS He could’ve made her from (ie, dirt, same stuff he used for Adam), God chose Adam’s rib. So unless Eve was some kind of Frankenstein creature, made up of all kinds of DNA, she was Adam’s twin sister. And they were inseparable – frolicking about in their nakedness. Now we’ve all watched Blue Lagoon; it may have started all innocent-like, but sooner or later they figured out that the plug fits into the outlet and the rest is history.

He started out just looking for a bit of distraction with man; like logging into pornhub.com once or twice a week. But the more He watched, the more God liked. Masturbation, bestiality, incest… By the time Adam and Eve broke up the party with proper clothing, God was so sex addicted that he cursed them and expelled them from the Garden of Eden, like the used up sex slaves they were.

3. Adam was a pussy, the serpent was honest, and God was a self-serving liar

Adam, like a typical man, was  perfectly content with having loads of sex, hunting some game, and smoking some weed. Eve, on the other hand, wanted to know more about the world in which she lived, so she made conversation with other creatures, including a serpent.

Up until then, Adam and Eve thought that eating from the “forbidden tree” would kill them. Along comes this honest little serpent and tells them:

Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

Eve not only eats it herself, but gives some to Adam. I bet it tasted the best ever.

And did they die? No. God lied.

The little serpent, who told Eve the truth, had its legs and speech taken away forever. That is harsh.

When God finally finds Adam and Eve (they were hiding from God behind some bushes, so it took a while), he asks them if they’d eaten from the forbidden tree. Adam, knowing God would find out anyway says:

The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

Fucking asshole. I mean, if God had tortured him for a little bit, I could understand turning in your sister-lover. But He merely asked if they’d eaten it – Adam could’ve said “yes, I did.” But no; right away he was pointing fingers, trying to save his own ass.

I’m sure some may argue that God knew it all along that Adam and Eve would eat the damn thing anyway, and in fact, secretly WANTED them to do it. If that’s the case, why did he get so angry? Why all the punishment? And why couldn’t God have taught Adam and Eve by example, as a good parent does, instead of dangling a fucking carrot in front of them and then pretending to be shocked when they ate it? What an Ass.

I don’t buy it anyway – he was mad that the party was over, and once Adam and Eve covered themselves up, he had no use for them. Furthermore, His true colors are shown here:

after cursing them to a long life of misery, He expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden lest [Adam] put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever.

Basically, he just didn’t want competition. With their newfound  knowledge, it was only a matter of time till they figured out they could be like gods themselves – that wasn’t cool with God, of course, who wanted to rule everything and everyone on his own. Real nice, real nice.

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26 Responses to “God was a sex addicted communist and Adam was a pussy”

  1. The Mercurial Wife May 27, 2010 at 15:24 #

    God, forgive me but this hilarious!

  2. Barbara May 27, 2010 at 17:06 #

    Seriously, why aren’t we friends in real life? We pretty much think the same way.

    • Juliana May 28, 2010 at 12:31 #

      our DNAs (is that even right?) are sprinkled with glitter!

  3. Mr. Apron May 27, 2010 at 17:12 #

    Juliana–

    In your next life, or in this one, would you please become a Sunday School teacher?

    Thanks.

  4. Just B. May 27, 2010 at 17:24 #

    I probably shouldn’t be… But I am literally laughing out loud.

  5. inna May 28, 2010 at 11:53 #

    good stuff juliana

  6. Larry Hanson May 29, 2010 at 21:16 #

    Who writes this shit? Do you think for one minute that the story in Genesis is literal? You are seriously misguided. You need help. This is funny; but very frequently sick disturbed people can be very funny.

  7. mitya May 30, 2010 at 11:16 #

    Juliana, your first critic!

  8. Hanley June 1, 2010 at 14:58 #

    I just read this after a friend suggested it. Hilarious. I laughed out loud at work. Love your take on Genesis. There is a reason they have us read it as unquestioning children. As adults we all see it for how assinine it really is.

  9. Martin June 3, 2010 at 09:24 #

    JUuuuuuu – I wish I had a critic…I think that means you have officially “arrived.”

    Congrats!

  10. Jenny June 9, 2010 at 18:49 #

    This is so much more truth then what other people say… religion sucks anyway. BUT OMG this was fucking hilarious. 😀 I love you now.

  11. Sweta June 9, 2010 at 22:16 #

    Effin’ brilliant! 😀

  12. Sweta June 9, 2010 at 22:24 #

    I messed up on your blog big time 😡 my previous comment links to a site for bible studies lol,um yea all cos i said *blogpsot* instead of the spot 😦 Sowwie! and the comment on a previous post[the one of your le pooch not liking it for being petted] I commented with a wordpress account I forgot I had.Ugh!Bad start :/

  13. theodorahermes June 9, 2010 at 23:53 #

    I found your blog through 20 something bloggers and I absolutely love it! The way you think is amazing-we’re totally on the same page. 🙂 I read your entry about the Vagina Monologues and I laughed. This past year at my college I was the Producer of the production (along with actress). My best friend did the “moaner” part and as I watched her on stage I thought to myself, “THAT WOULD BE THE SCARIEST AND MOST NERVE-WRACKING THING TO DO ON STAGE.’ Someday, a goal of mine is to bring myself to do it. We shall see. 🙂 Anyway, PROPS to you for having the bravery to get up there and do something like that. You really do have to have guts.

  14. Shaunak June 10, 2010 at 00:51 #

    God! First time here and I find this!
    Fucking hilarious stuff! Gonna keep coming back for sure.

  15. Kiera June 10, 2010 at 01:05 #

    Yeah….that story never did make much sense.

    The picture (and everything else) is hilarious. I L-O-L’d.

  16. Living with Balls June 10, 2010 at 09:13 #

    I think one thing that can be learned from Genesis is that you shouldn’t fuck with Old Testament God. He will banish you from paradise, inflict plagues and floods and make you climb a tall mountain to kill your first born.

  17. Emily June 10, 2010 at 13:11 #

    All I have to say is LOL.

  18. Sadako June 11, 2010 at 07:05 #

    Old testament God is a real ball buster.

    The snake sounds so cute in your version. Poor little serpent.

  19. Jas June 13, 2010 at 13:21 #

    I almost pissed myself. You, ma’am, are hilarious. I look forward to reading more!

  20. Jennifer June 13, 2010 at 21:16 #

    Just like a man to throw the woman under the bus before he actually takes responsibility for his own actions.

  21. subject-verb agreement June 14, 2010 at 13:00 #

    jules, you have to read this:

    http://www.amazon.com/Diaries-Adam-Eve-Translated-Twain/dp/0965881199

    mark twain would have totally high-fived you for this post. for the title alone.

  22. Wende August 16, 2010 at 22:36 #

    This seriously just made my night.

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