Trouble in Zipperland

10 Jun

She paused the Western World History lesson on track 37: “World War III and the Birth of the Unified Party.” Her 54th alarm for this particular Wednesday was going off, and a quick glance at her iWatch told her it was time to prepare for a meeting with the Contractor Relations Assistant Director for the Fashion Industry Corporations’ Union.

Rose was the Customer Relations Coordinator for production on Section 252 of Freedom Fasteners, Inc, the largest manufacturer of separable textile fasteners of the civilized world. 90% of zippers, buttons, velcro, and press studs were made by the company, and it owned land in 388 sections within 7 different towns in China – both in China proper and the newly available Japacheese territory.

China Town 23 was located in Japacheese land; former Japan, now controlled by China. A wall was feverishly being erected to keep away dissident Japacheese (descendants of the Chinese and the now exterminated Japanese), living in remote rural areas, as they would sometimes attempt to invade production facility campuses to terrorize Chinese workers. Section 252, for which Rose was responsible, was a production campus located in Japacheese territory, about 200 miles east of a densely populated Japacheese reservation. Freedom Fasteners received a generous discount on the purchase of Section 252 land, coupled with a 10 year subsidy on private military spending for grounds protection.  For the last 4 years, the investment had really paid off – Freedom Fasteners dominated the market.

That Wednesday, however, Rose was to meet with a CRAD of the FICU to request a pardon of the Subpar Performance Fine that was being imposed, and to request a 10% increase in private military funds aid. The recent storming of Town 23 by the Japacheese had been poorly handled by the private military, resulting in much higher Chinese casualties than usual. Town factory workers, though decentralized, were re-entering a period of civil unrest and looting, severely disrupting production. This was particularly troublesome for Section 252 of the town, because it was also experiencing a water contamination problem that seemed to affect children worse than adults. Since the majority of these children comprised the list of on-call workers, Section 252 found itself dealing with a worker shortage problem.

It was a difficult situation, but Freedom Fasteners were already recruiting hundreds of Japacheese willing to undergo sterilization and vaccination for work at the production campus. The company factored into production costs their projected 39% increase in fatal accidents, given the Japacheese’s unfamiliarity with the machinery and shortage of proper training time.  It was, however, a better alternative to waiting for containment of civil unrest or purification of the water supply. Once these two issues were finally resolved, the Japacheese would be bused back to their territory, and by then, the wall was likely to be completed.

The situation might not have been so dire were it not for the introduction of nipple zippers on blouses, by the Armagenous fashion house in Summer 2050 fashion week. The idea was embraced by men and women all over the western world and quickly incorporated by all other fashion houses just in time for Pre-Autumn fashion week. With 75% of all male and female tops featuring nipple zippers that season, Freedom Fasteners had a 24% increase in demand for zippers – a truly inopportune time to be dealing with difficult workers.

Rose’s assistant had sent an e-dossier on the FICU CRAD Rose was to meet that afternoon; as a standard e-d, it included pictures of him, a list of his corporate accomplishments, and favorite iTivities.  For this meeting, Rose chose a long white latex dress featuring a diamond encrusted double helix zipper from chest to ankles.  She practiced her presentation in front of the mirror:

“Oh Mr. Thompson, I am so sorry,” she said, twirling her index finger around the zipper, which rested on the slope of her bosom. “What can I do to make this OK?”


15 Responses to “Trouble in Zipperland”

  1. inna June 10, 2010 at 10:05 #

    orgy porgy time?

  2. Mr. Apron June 10, 2010 at 10:43 #

    God Save Night Writings, and God Save Nip-Zips.

  3. Martin June 10, 2010 at 10:50 #

    This dress?


    • Juliana June 10, 2010 at 10:59 #

      oh dear martin, you are so bad with the internets.

  4. Martin June 10, 2010 at 10:51 #

    Woops. I meant, “THIS DRESS??”

    • Juliana June 10, 2010 at 11:12 #

      oh i see. no, that’s your own fantasy, martin. in MY fantasy, it’s just one zipper, front and center, top to bottom. much easier to operate than yours, no?

      • Martin June 10, 2010 at 13:06 #

        But there ARE nipples, correct?

      • Juliana June 10, 2010 at 13:47 #

        nipples, most definitely. two of them.

  5. Hanley June 10, 2010 at 16:26 #

    Martin’s dress is too much work to take off.

    • Juliana June 10, 2010 at 20:28 #

      indeed. someone should teach him a thing or two about a thing or two.

  6. Mamatink June 14, 2010 at 04:43 #

    Great post!

  7. subject-verb agreement June 14, 2010 at 12:50 #

    god, you are so fucking weird. i adore you.

  8. Teddi June 16, 2010 at 10:35 #

    You rock!!!

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