Instead of killing someone, write a blog post!

23 Jun

Welcome to the show. It’s that time of the month, and I am filled with self loathing. It matters not that a cute girl stares back at me in the mirror; I’m still fat and ugly and, given the right combination of drugs, would take immense crotch-wetting pleasure in shaving my head and banging my umbrella on someone’s car window.

Aside from being the most vile looking creature this side of the Mississippi, I’m also stupid and incompetent; the proof is in the eight blog post drafts sitting to the right of the screen, as I type these pathetic words.

It is scientifically proven that to make one feel better about herself, she need only put someone else down. I’ve been running through scenarios in my head that might help brighten my mood, and the recurring one is this: run into the packed J.P. Licks of Newton Centre (full of yappy, rich housewives and their bratty kids) and yank the hair of as many of them as I can before a light goes off in their vapid brains guiding them to try and stop me. I’m not talking about the little pull on a few strands that you do to a friend sitting in front of you in class – I mean grabbing a handful of hair, dragging that hand down to waist level (along with her head), then flicking her nose with the other hand.

I did that once – except instead of flicking the nose, I punched her face repeatedly. It wasn’t my fault.

After theater rehearsal one afternoon, I got on the packed school bus and sat way in the back; it was the only seat left and, of course, was right in front of a pea-brain monstrous Hispanic chick and her big-hoop-earrings-wearing, finger-snapping friends. The whole ride they talked shit about me, pulled my hair, and at one point, one of them took my basketball from my lap. I kept quiet the whole time, ’cause I was alone, these creatures were bred for fighting, and my face was rather pretty. Finally, the Monster Chica and her friends got up to get off at their stop; one of them threw the ball back on my lap and I was relieved at the thought it might all be over. But of course, Monster Chica, the last one to leave, stomped on my foot as she walked away. I lost it. I threw my backpack and basketball down, got  up, and kicked her in the back. She turned around and for a second I almost shat my pants. At least 30lbs heavier and four inches taller, she came at me and all the kids got up, yelling “Fight! Fight!” She began scratching my face. 30 extra pounds, and all she could do was scratch my face and my shoulders. I was pushing her face away with my hands, when I grabbed a hold of her hair with my right hand. I pulled her head down to my waist, and proceeded to punch her temple and cheek with my left hand – four or five times. I brought her head back up and kicked her in the stomach, called her a bitch, and sat back down.

Other than the time I made a girl bleed while sparring in TaeKwonDo, that was my most victorious moment. This massive, scary looking chick was standing in the middle of the bus, shaking, holding her ear with one hand – I guess her earring got caught in her hair as I yanked and held it, and a bit of her ear was ripped. I watched as she got off the bus and stood on the sidewalk, still shaking.

No one. ever fucked. with me. again.

I feel better now.

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13 Responses to “Instead of killing someone, write a blog post!”

  1. Hanley Bonynge June 23, 2010 at 13:46 #

    Haha. Amazing. Did she ask a friend to hold her baby before she hit you?

    I got in a fight for sitting in the wrong seat on a bus when I was in middle school. The guy punched me in the back of the head. I turned around and broke his clavical. It’s the same mentality as prison. Let them know you mean business.

  2. Barbara June 23, 2010 at 15:44 #

    Good for you to stick up for yourself. I hate how there’s this “no bullying/no fighting policy” at schools now. It’s turning kids into little sissies and is making the bullying even worse! If I ever had a kid, your bet your ass he/she is going to know how to fight!

  3. Martin June 23, 2010 at 16:41 #

    You are terrifying.

    • Martin June 23, 2010 at 16:42 #

      That wasn’t sarcasm, by the way, I was serious. Don’t rip my earring.

      • Juliana June 23, 2010 at 20:07 #

        we’ve already established this. i will simply poke you in the ribs.

  4. Mr. Apron June 24, 2010 at 06:22 #

    Is it wrong that picturing that fight got me a little aroused?

    • Juliana June 24, 2010 at 07:31 #

      it’s RIGHT, mr. apron. it’s RIGHT.

  5. clarisseteagen June 24, 2010 at 19:00 #

    I am AFRAID. 0.0

  6. Lorna June 25, 2010 at 01:18 #

    Yeah,this is by far my favourite blog…officially decided!!!!

    • Juliana June 25, 2010 at 12:29 #

      and you have fabulous boobs.

  7. Jenny June 28, 2010 at 11:54 #

    LOL that is awesome. I wish I was that scary. But I’m not. I let my husband beat people up for me xD

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