Nite Writer returns… dear diary style

19 Mar

ImageEvery day I’m hustling. I’m a small business owner now. This means I quit my job, and said goodbye to predictable paychecks at the end of each month. I love the butterflies in my stomach that come with knowing nothing is guaranteed, and I alone am responsible for my financial success.

If you didn’t think I was badass before, you should now. You should also ask me for my number and send me two pictures of your face; one smiling, one not.

But the butterflies and autonomy I’ve created for my future haven’t prepared me for the blessed curse that is having the freedom to create my own schedule. Take yesterday, for instance. I did not have to “go into work” but I certainly had plenty of work to do from home. And I did… after a bowl or two, and a hike with the dog at a local trail, and three loads of laundry washed, and the hour spent looking at pictures of myself and my friends on facebook, and the two hours spent analyzing the definition of douche bag.

Douche bag is a term I’ve had at the tip of my tongue lately. I say what brilliant re-purposing of a stigmatized yet rather utilitarian word! Merriam-Webster defines it as “an unattractive or offensive person”. For the level of embeddedness the term has in our culture today, I was unpleasantly surprised by how much this definition leaves to be desired, in quality and accuracy. I hereby take the time – a quick break from work – to put henceforth available to all who seek truth and accuracy on what a douche bag really is. And while I’m at it, I’ll do the same for the up-and-coming variation, douche baggery.

douche bag     noun

  1. one who sleeps around on his/her significant other, denies it, gets caught, gets dumped, and skillfully refuses to ever make mention of the entire incident;
  2. one who starts inventing relationship problems right around the time he decides he wants to start having sex with his ex again, particularly if this is an ex that has cheated on him in the past;
  3. a teacher who texts his student at 11pm two nights in a row to say she was “impressive” in class, and kicks her out of the school 5 days later, making the office manager, her friend, place the unprofessional call, banning her from ever returning to the premises;
  4. a teacher who holds school membership over a student’s head as a way to force her to “be friends”

Synonyms

1. manipulative jerk, insensitive bastard, lying cheater

douche baggery     noun

  1.  telling other people your significant other is crazy, and a bitch, while you send her emails telling her she “influenced [you] to be better” and that you “often look at an imaginary version of [her]”, and you miss her, that she’s “the most courageous and confident girlfriend [you’ve] ever had” and that you hope to still have “someone who [will] help you through everything”;
  2.  having all of the means and potential to be the greatest guy on Earth and acting like a douche bag

Synonyms

1. arrogance, selfishness, idiocy

There you have it, friends. A couple of better defined words in this crazily misinformed world. Don’t mention it ;o)

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5 Responses to “Nite Writer returns… dear diary style”

  1. Kristin Sgroi March 19, 2013 at 13:00 #

    oh, my darling. i am so sorry to read this. i know what you’re feeling and i wish i could do something to help take it away. but i can see that you are finding your strength (and sassiness) through positive outlets and i’m so glad for that. if you need an ear, i’ve got two just for you ❤

  2. Anonymous March 19, 2013 at 16:11 #

    Darling,
    Douche bags exist to provide us all, intelligent, smart, attractive, sexy women, with opportunities to exercise our wisdom, and re-assess our selves and our value system. Having the opportunity to drop douche bags on the sidewalk inflates our egos and and, with time, forces us to create that uncanny ability to identify douche baggery out of the corner of our eyes. And on top of that, douche bags gives us all sassy and beautiful women ample opportunity to hold court, scan the horizon, and assess the possibilities for real engagement.
    So… Go for walks looking into the sun rising and mentally drop douche bag where it belongs- on the sidewalk.
    P.S.: I am happy u r writing again:)

  3. Mr. Apron March 28, 2013 at 18:25 #

    Welcome back to the blogosphere. Douchebags: beware. Sleep with your lights on.

  4. GiGi August 15, 2013 at 20:55 #

    Loooove it. My first read and I’ll be back for more.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Merry Christmas to you as well. Thank you for the orgasms. | Night Writings - December 24, 2016

    […] been single for nearly four years now. Yes, one, two, three, four. The last ex being the douchebag you already know. I never told you this, but his initials are BS. Fucking fitting, […]

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