Tag Archives: books

God was a sex addicted communist and Adam was a pussy

27 May

I’m reading the Bible. OK, I’m reading the Book of Genesis. OK, I’m reading the Book of Genesis as illustrated by R. Crumb. It’s pretty awesome. I’d never read Genesis before, and had mostly skimmed through the assigned Bible pages from Religion class. Now as an adult, with proper illustrations, I feel I’m well-equipped to state a few opinions on the significance of the text.

1. God was a communist dictator but not a very bright one

In Fordian society – of the novel Brave New World – everyone has a job, food, is mostly disease free, has plenty of sexual partners, and a monthly allowance of hallucinogens that keeps them happy and provides a nice ‘holiday’ from any stress that may arise. How lucky!

Yet we learn, as the story unfolds, that all this is only possible because people don’t have much choice. They are told what to think, what to read, how to act, and what to like – and there is no access to anything that might contradict what they’re being fed. In this society, even the family unit is no more; babies are made in labs and raised in schools by nurses who don’t give them any “love” or preferential treatment – a crazy, super controlling totalitarian regime, right?

Then you have God; He created a beautiful planet Earth in six days, and offered it to man and woman to enjoy and control. Adam and Eve ate delicious meat, smoked quality herbs, and lived a wonderful, carefree existence, courtesy of God. How Benevolent!


He planted a tree of knowledge and told Adam and Eve they could have everything, except for a fruit from this one tree.

He gives no good reason as to why Adam and Eve can’t have a fruit from a tree that looks like any other. There’s no “if you eat this you’ll die because it’s poisonous,” or “if you eat this, you’ll kill others with your poisonous farts.” It’s just “no, because I said so, and I’ve given you everything you could possibly want so do as I say or I’ll fucking kill you.”  Sounds pretty totalitarian to me.

AND, it wasn’t until Adam and Eve ate the damn forbidden fruit that they found out God had made them stupid. They had no idea they were naked! The fruit opened their eyes to the world – it let them SEE that they were naked, and so they could then DECIDE for themselves if they wanted to run around like naked hippies or cover themselves up as decent folk. God didn’t even give them the OPTION. He made them dumb and scared them shitless to keep them simple (I’ll tell you why on point #2).

Sure He gave them lots of good stuff to enjoy. Fidel Castro provided excellent health care and primary schooling to his people, but he’s still a dirty commie in everyone’s eyes. God’s a dirty commie too.

But not a very smart one. He could create ANYTHING He wanted and erase anything He wanted. Instead of stressing himself out with having to come down and check on Earth every few days and make sure Adam and Eve weren’t eating anything forbidden, He should’ve just not planted the fucking tree. He should’ve created a really high, icy, stinky mountain of knowledge. Adam and Eve wouldn’t have tried to climb it; they had better shit to do. God may be omnipotent, but He sure wasn’t very bright.

2. God was a voyeur, into bestiality and incest

Initially, God was perfectly happy  to watch man wanking away day after day, in solitude.  But when his own hand stopped sufficing, Adam became lonely and depressed. God was quick to create a bunch of new animals (I’m sure each contained a line of ‘special interest’ in its DNA – whatever God was fantasizing about that week) and watch, as Adam and Creatures tried to “get along.” When they didn’t work, He finally gave man a woman.

Not just any woman, though. God gave Adam a sister.

God knocked him out, cut him up, and stole a rib. Out of ALL THINGS He could’ve made her from (ie, dirt, same stuff he used for Adam), God chose Adam’s rib. So unless Eve was some kind of Frankenstein creature, made up of all kinds of DNA, she was Adam’s twin sister. And they were inseparable – frolicking about in their nakedness. Now we’ve all watched Blue Lagoon; it may have started all innocent-like, but sooner or later they figured out that the plug fits into the outlet and the rest is history.

He started out just looking for a bit of distraction with man; like logging into pornhub.com once or twice a week. But the more He watched, the more God liked. Masturbation, bestiality, incest… By the time Adam and Eve broke up the party with proper clothing, God was so sex addicted that he cursed them and expelled them from the Garden of Eden, like the used up sex slaves they were.

3. Adam was a pussy, the serpent was honest, and God was a self-serving liar

Adam, like a typical man, was  perfectly content with having loads of sex, hunting some game, and smoking some weed. Eve, on the other hand, wanted to know more about the world in which she lived, so she made conversation with other creatures, including a serpent.

Up until then, Adam and Eve thought that eating from the “forbidden tree” would kill them. Along comes this honest little serpent and tells them:

Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

Eve not only eats it herself, but gives some to Adam. I bet it tasted the best ever.

And did they die? No. God lied.

The little serpent, who told Eve the truth, had its legs and speech taken away forever. That is harsh.

When God finally finds Adam and Eve (they were hiding from God behind some bushes, so it took a while), he asks them if they’d eaten from the forbidden tree. Adam, knowing God would find out anyway says:

The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

Fucking asshole. I mean, if God had tortured him for a little bit, I could understand turning in your sister-lover. But He merely asked if they’d eaten it – Adam could’ve said “yes, I did.” But no; right away he was pointing fingers, trying to save his own ass.

I’m sure some may argue that God knew it all along that Adam and Eve would eat the damn thing anyway, and in fact, secretly WANTED them to do it. If that’s the case, why did he get so angry? Why all the punishment? And why couldn’t God have taught Adam and Eve by example, as a good parent does, instead of dangling a fucking carrot in front of them and then pretending to be shocked when they ate it? What an Ass.

I don’t buy it anyway – he was mad that the party was over, and once Adam and Eve covered themselves up, he had no use for them. Furthermore, His true colors are shown here:

after cursing them to a long life of misery, He expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden lest [Adam] put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever.

Basically, he just didn’t want competition. With their newfound  knowledge, it was only a matter of time till they figured out they could be like gods themselves – that wasn’t cool with God, of course, who wanted to rule everything and everyone on his own. Real nice, real nice.


This sucks, thanks for reading

26 Apr

I’m pretty fucking angry. I’m angry because I’ve forgotten how to write. Or how to entertain myself while writing. And I’m now a certified lame-o for boo-hooing about my writer’s block when I’m not even a goddamn writer to begin with. I’m just a chick with a blog.

I’m also pretty fucking angry at how shallow I am sometimes. I choose to twirl my hair and think about how much I enjoyed being sexually harassed by a New York City bartender instead of working on an overdue spreadsheet. I click on the Lindsay Lohan throws glass at girlfriend’s head headline before reading what Stephen Hawking thinks about our attempts to communicate with aliens. And fuck it, yes, I go to the gym because I want to be healthy and live a long life, but more than that, it’s because I want a really hot body.

I’m angry because I’ve yet to begin researching the fourth dimension theory that is so imperative for the brilliant sci-fi thriller that’s in my head. I read a little here and there, but the info I want is inside books found at the library. The library where I owe $60 in lost titles. They aren’t lost, really, they’re just somewhere in my apartment. My apartment that is perpetually messy, since I’ve decided not to clean until it’s time to start packing for my move. My move into the new place I’ve yet to measure out to ensure I can bring all of my furniture. All the furniture I’ll probably end up selling in order to get brand new stuff because I’m a spoiled brat who spends on furniture and tattoos when she should be saving her money with a credit union that is less likely to fuck her over if financial reform doesn’t pass or gets pissed on by republicans, thus enabling irrational booms to plummet a decade from now, wiping everyone else’s savings except for mine.

I’m angry when I read the disgusting lies uttered by republicans trying to shut down the financial reform bill. Bull-fucking-shit such as claiming government should simply allow banks to fail, that existing derivatives contracts should be exempt from new regulations, that the proposed bill will hurt the markets beyond repair… are you confused?

So am I. But I’m not confused enough to know that we will NEVER allow banks to fail within our existing system, where they’re too powerful and hold too much of our money without any backing. Because if we did let them fail, the fuckers at the top would wipe their hands clean and take their business elsewhere, while Americans scramble through another recession. And do you know what derivatives are? If I’ve got an apple, you and I are gonna bet on the FUTURE VALUE of that apple. If my apple’s worth $5 or more in 2015, you pay me $1. If it’s worth less, I pay you $1. That’s how these institutions make money. Does that sound like some crazy game made up by a four year-old? Yes, it does. But did you know it’s a HUGE market that is largely UNREGULATED? Did you know that Warren Buffett himself once called derivatives “weapons of financial distruction?” Did you know that one of the measures republicans want to stop is of forcing these institutions to set aside their own bailout money in case of severe loss in their derivatives investments? Doesn’t that sound like it makes sense? Well, the republicans don’t think so. Apparently their outrage at bailing out the banks one year ago was… for show. To rally the American people against the democratic president and gain support for themselves and their money grubbing friends.  Who would’ve thunk?

I’m angry that people like the Arizona governor exist and that she has supporters who somehow can rationalize the legalization of racial profiling, abuse of power, and violation of civil rights. I’m angry that a guy like John McCain, who once seemed like a good dude, has actually supported this law because he’s so happy that this shit is happening under Obama’s watch and may score a few conservative votes now that he’s left behind Palin’s dust.

But mostly I’m just angry I can’t just burp a blog post like I was doing two weeks ago. Hopefully my writing class starting next Thursday will get the juices flowing again. Either that or I haven’t been watching enough porn.

A Clockwork Orange

18 Mar

OK, this is my opinion on the significance of the 21st chapter of Anthony Burgess’ A Clockwork Orange, which was excluded from earlier American editions of the novel and the film adaptation by Stanley Kubrick (fucking. awesome.).  I’m certain a bazillion people have written about it and it’s probably all over the web, but the same could be said for pretty much everything else in the world, so what am I supposed to do, not speak at all? Ha ha.

Needless to say, but saying it anyway, if you haven’t read the book or seen the movie (WHY?), this will be a super duper spoiler.

I think a reading of the book without the 21st chapter is a deliberate disregard for the central message and debate that Burgess brought to the table. The sadist in us all – that devilish side we so often repress – rejoices in a story that unapologetically affirms: “I’m naturally inclined to ravage you and fuck you for thinking you could ever change me.” Maybe it’s a direct result of America’s persistent Puritanism – the more righteous you try to be, the more obsessed you become with fucked up tendencies (see: Priests with little boys; Mormons and the similarly-crazed; Japanese porn). I feel a lot of people see a villainous hero in the mischievous Alex, the guy you don’t fuck with, who has threesomes with teenagers, the fearless ring leader – and they want to see him wreak havoc.  I feel that way about Freddy Kruger, not Alex DeLarge. Alex is a much more interesting character; he’s charming, cunning, humorous, a mature thinker, and is surprisingly discerning of, and has a passion for, real beauty.  All the while being youthful and carefree (there’s an understatement). I think we forget that Alex is fifteen, sixteen years old at the height of his ‘evil’ – not that age is an excuse for his actions, but to ignore this fact, and his environment, is to reject the effects of nurture and notions of cause and effect. And that is simply naïve and detrimental to the process of understanding oneself and human behavior at large. I can’t know for sure, but I’m willing to bet that, if Burgess wanted readers to extract any one thing from his novel, that it’d be this kind of introspective discussion. That’s what the best literary pieces do.

So he gave us a brilliant set up; a bright and youthful male, in a colorless, hellish, survivalist, brooding environment with absolutely no genuine parental or pedagogic involvement. Add to the mix completely daft, easily manipulated minions and a bit of the hallucinogens… it’s like fucking Candy Land and it’s easy to see – not justify – why Alex turns out the way he does. And what Burgess thrusts upon us at the height of the novel is such a gift; a real picture of the UGLY in people – I’m referring to the government officials and doctors involved in the Ludovico treatment (during and after). The ugly is the enjoyment derived from stripping humanity off another for personal material gains; it’s the incessant desire to oppress and manipulate. These guys are the real monsters in the story, not Alex.

What I love about that 21st chapter is its audacity to proclaim faith in human nature. I’m not talking about Charles Manson types here (though I’m sure someone would be willing to make an argument in his defense) – I’m excluding the people who are actually really fucked up in the head because that requires an understanding, that I don’t have, of repercussions of chemical imbalances and such. But everyone else; I think we all have within us what we need to see life – all life – for what it is: all we have, and equally deserving of existence in all its forms. Once this insanely basic concept is practiced by any one person, the idea of right and wrong takes a waaaaay back seat to simply living decently with yourself and everything else around you. It’s that fantastic concept of self-governance; where there is mutual respect and empathy, there isn’t need for dictation and punishment.  The final chapter alludes to this concept as Alex undergoes genuine self reassessment – maturity, if you will. Do I like the idea of Alex dreaming of a government job and raising a family as the manifestation of this very enlightening personal journey? Not particularly, but it’s a reflection of the middle class dream, and that’s very graspable and relatable, so we’ll leave it be.  It’s probably very smart of Burgess, actually. Or totally ironic?

So yeah. The 21st chapter rocks and that first American editor/publisher was just looking to maximize profits by maximizing shock value at the cost of truth and art.

[mmm… gee  wiz, I can’t think of anything or any one like that *cough* tabloids *cough* Fox News *cough* Lady GaGa]

But then again, I love the movie as it is, it’s brilliant, it’s beautiful, it’s perfect, it stands on its own, and it is so because of how the book was published in the US. So… it is what it is. Didn’t I just say that? What?

If anyone has any thoughts, other than on what I’m wearing right now, I’d love to hear (read) them. Even if you think I make no sense and should shut the fuck up. Just tell me why, at least.

For instance, my friends L.E.O. (that’s his DJing name-acronym that stands for nothing.. except good music) and Dmitriy had the following to contribute:

Leo: Juliana, leave philosophy to men. You were OK being funny. I’m pumping out quotes here.

Dmitriy: I wanna say something funny! I did it. It’s a self-referencing funny statement. It’s an infinite loop.

Then my boss walked in with no shoes or shirt on. True story.