Woke up at 7 because I want to try to do a little morning writing from now on – it’s what I do on the weekends and I’d like to develop the habit Monday-Friday as well. I gave up after realizing today’s attempt was doomed to drudging nonsense dripping from my fingertips and started my morning routine. Took the dog outside and she ran (ahead of a caffeine-free, thus not very attentive version of me) to the back of the house, where she normally sniffs, pees, marks, poops, chases squirrels… except this time I was extra slow to get back there, and once I did, she was face-to-face with a skunk.
NO! TORI, NO! NO! COME HERE! NOOOOOO! YOU STUPID DOG, NOOOOOO!!!
The skunk turned around, a second later Tori winced. She then took off, ran past me and back to our doorstep. The skunk went merrily and slowly on its way and I ran back to Tori, who had a sad, WTF look on her face. Her right eye was shut. I couldn’t leave her tied up outside to check the internets for what one does with a skunk-sprayed dog (she’s a shelter dog, was DEFINITELY once abused, is very shy, and freaks the fuck out if I leave her tied up anywhere for more than .5 seconds), so back into the apartment we went. I kept her in the kitchen, opened all windows, and read that I’d need hydrogen peroxide and baking soda for an anti-funk concoction to wash her body. Her face, however, should be rubbed with douche. Fan-fucking-tastic. Back to CVS Pharmacy and its chipper feminine hygiene section.
Still without any caffeine and now smelling like road kill, I wandered the aisles in search of peroxide, baking soda, and rubber gloves, trying to avoid people. Score. Then, three shelves below vaginal liquibeads I found CVS-brand Triple Cleansing formula Disposable Douche.
a. I’ve had disposable douches before, but never from a pharmacy, and I certainly never had to pay for it. In fact, I think I should’ve demanded recompense.
b. ladies! what are we (read: you) putting up our (your) vaginas to justify the need for a Triple Cleansing formula?
The world can be a very confusing place for this simple girl and her curious dumb dog.
When paying for my supplies, I was asked the customary “how are you?”
Fine, thanks. My dog just got sprayed by a skunk. I have to wash her face with douche and the rest of her body with a peroxide and baking soda mix.
She didn’t need to know that. I needed her to know that. I needed her to know that my vagina was in tip-top shape, thanks, and the douche was certainly not for her.
Oh man, that SUCKS! What a way to start your Friday! Good luck!
Thanks, have a great day!
On my way home, I stopped by Dunkin’ Donuts for a medium-hot-black so Tori could have my brain fully functioning to care for her. I know Dunkin’ is shit. Spare me your [caffeine-fueled] diatribe. I usually make my own coffee as soon as I get into work, but I didn’t make it to work first thing in the morning, did I?
When I got back, Tori’s right eye was really watery and she had crazy-face; that’s when her eyes (well, just the left one this time) get really wide open and she breathes fast through her mouth in a slightly psychotic way – that’s what she does when she’s stressed out. I rubbed the douche solution on her face, dropped some saline solution in her eye and got her in the bathtub for the peroxide-baking soda-liquid soap treatment. She was happy when it was all over, but 10mins later she started closing her right eye and looking miserable again. My boss (an angel in Russian man disguise, bless you, Dadya Borya) told me not to worry about coming in at any specific time; I could even take the day off if I felt like it. I decided to take Tori to the Merwin Memorial Free Clinic at noon. It was 10:30, so in the meantime I “worked from home” via Gmail chat:
“co-worker”: did you ever send so-and-so the $500?
me: i dont know who that is
“co-worker”: the broker. from wellesley. for her consultation.
me: again, i don’t remember who she is, i’ll have to look at records
“co-worker”: well she says she never got it
me: wait a second, that’s the lady i had to chase for two weeks to get an address so I could pay HER, right???
“co-worker”: i think so
me: if that’s her, then yes i sent the bitch a check. i’ll confirm if she cashed it when i get in
At the clinic, Tori, even with a bum eye, imposed her massive attitude on all the miniature-whatevers, sorry-excuse-for-dog looking things that yapped incessantly inside their Coach-brand carriers (angry sidetracking: if you can afford $800 for a rat-dog and however much else for that hideous mobile cage, you shouldn’t be at this clinic. You’re probably the visitors who don’t contribute anything. Why are you always so loud and obnoxious? Tori is a GIRL, don’t call her a “he.” Don’t you see the pink harness? I despise your kind). The vet gave her a rabies booster shot and applied an anti-bacterial ointment to her eye, which I’m to apply 3x/day for five days. Visit: $18 for the shot, $13 for the ointment, and $14 donation. Comfortable and healthy pooch: Priceless. Now it’s time to get the funk out of my apartment while Tori naps on the couch. What a stressful day for my little old lady.
This is a fantastic clinic with a helpful and friendly staff of volunteers that is run solely through donations. Visitors pay cost price for shots and meds – that’s it. But if one dares to use their services without dropping at least $5 into the donation box, I hereby curse him/her to an abysmal case of diarrhea post consumption of his/her next pint of beer.