Tag Archives: religion

God was a sex addicted communist and Adam was a pussy

27 May

I’m reading the Bible. OK, I’m reading the Book of Genesis. OK, I’m reading the Book of Genesis as illustrated by R. Crumb. It’s pretty awesome. I’d never read Genesis before, and had mostly skimmed through the assigned Bible pages from Religion class. Now as an adult, with proper illustrations, I feel I’m well-equipped to state a few opinions on the significance of the text.

1. God was a communist dictator but not a very bright one

In Fordian society – of the novel Brave New World – everyone has a job, food, is mostly disease free, has plenty of sexual partners, and a monthly allowance of hallucinogens that keeps them happy and provides a nice ‘holiday’ from any stress that may arise. How lucky!

Yet we learn, as the story unfolds, that all this is only possible because people don’t have much choice. They are told what to think, what to read, how to act, and what to like – and there is no access to anything that might contradict what they’re being fed. In this society, even the family unit is no more; babies are made in labs and raised in schools by nurses who don’t give them any “love” or preferential treatment – a crazy, super controlling totalitarian regime, right?

Then you have God; He created a beautiful planet Earth in six days, and offered it to man and woman to enjoy and control. Adam and Eve ate delicious meat, smoked quality herbs, and lived a wonderful, carefree existence, courtesy of God. How Benevolent!


He planted a tree of knowledge and told Adam and Eve they could have everything, except for a fruit from this one tree.

He gives no good reason as to why Adam and Eve can’t have a fruit from a tree that looks like any other. There’s no “if you eat this you’ll die because it’s poisonous,” or “if you eat this, you’ll kill others with your poisonous farts.” It’s just “no, because I said so, and I’ve given you everything you could possibly want so do as I say or I’ll fucking kill you.”  Sounds pretty totalitarian to me.

AND, it wasn’t until Adam and Eve ate the damn forbidden fruit that they found out God had made them stupid. They had no idea they were naked! The fruit opened their eyes to the world – it let them SEE that they were naked, and so they could then DECIDE for themselves if they wanted to run around like naked hippies or cover themselves up as decent folk. God didn’t even give them the OPTION. He made them dumb and scared them shitless to keep them simple (I’ll tell you why on point #2).

Sure He gave them lots of good stuff to enjoy. Fidel Castro provided excellent health care and primary schooling to his people, but he’s still a dirty commie in everyone’s eyes. God’s a dirty commie too.

But not a very smart one. He could create ANYTHING He wanted and erase anything He wanted. Instead of stressing himself out with having to come down and check on Earth every few days and make sure Adam and Eve weren’t eating anything forbidden, He should’ve just not planted the fucking tree. He should’ve created a really high, icy, stinky mountain of knowledge. Adam and Eve wouldn’t have tried to climb it; they had better shit to do. God may be omnipotent, but He sure wasn’t very bright.

2. God was a voyeur, into bestiality and incest

Initially, God was perfectly happy  to watch man wanking away day after day, in solitude.  But when his own hand stopped sufficing, Adam became lonely and depressed. God was quick to create a bunch of new animals (I’m sure each contained a line of ‘special interest’ in its DNA – whatever God was fantasizing about that week) and watch, as Adam and Creatures tried to “get along.” When they didn’t work, He finally gave man a woman.

Not just any woman, though. God gave Adam a sister.

God knocked him out, cut him up, and stole a rib. Out of ALL THINGS He could’ve made her from (ie, dirt, same stuff he used for Adam), God chose Adam’s rib. So unless Eve was some kind of Frankenstein creature, made up of all kinds of DNA, she was Adam’s twin sister. And they were inseparable – frolicking about in their nakedness. Now we’ve all watched Blue Lagoon; it may have started all innocent-like, but sooner or later they figured out that the plug fits into the outlet and the rest is history.

He started out just looking for a bit of distraction with man; like logging into pornhub.com once or twice a week. But the more He watched, the more God liked. Masturbation, bestiality, incest… By the time Adam and Eve broke up the party with proper clothing, God was so sex addicted that he cursed them and expelled them from the Garden of Eden, like the used up sex slaves they were.

3. Adam was a pussy, the serpent was honest, and God was a self-serving liar

Adam, like a typical man, was  perfectly content with having loads of sex, hunting some game, and smoking some weed. Eve, on the other hand, wanted to know more about the world in which she lived, so she made conversation with other creatures, including a serpent.

Up until then, Adam and Eve thought that eating from the “forbidden tree” would kill them. Along comes this honest little serpent and tells them:

Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

Eve not only eats it herself, but gives some to Adam. I bet it tasted the best ever.

And did they die? No. God lied.

The little serpent, who told Eve the truth, had its legs and speech taken away forever. That is harsh.

When God finally finds Adam and Eve (they were hiding from God behind some bushes, so it took a while), he asks them if they’d eaten from the forbidden tree. Adam, knowing God would find out anyway says:

The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

Fucking asshole. I mean, if God had tortured him for a little bit, I could understand turning in your sister-lover. But He merely asked if they’d eaten it – Adam could’ve said “yes, I did.” But no; right away he was pointing fingers, trying to save his own ass.

I’m sure some may argue that God knew it all along that Adam and Eve would eat the damn thing anyway, and in fact, secretly WANTED them to do it. If that’s the case, why did he get so angry? Why all the punishment? And why couldn’t God have taught Adam and Eve by example, as a good parent does, instead of dangling a fucking carrot in front of them and then pretending to be shocked when they ate it? What an Ass.

I don’t buy it anyway – he was mad that the party was over, and once Adam and Eve covered themselves up, he had no use for them. Furthermore, His true colors are shown here:

after cursing them to a long life of misery, He expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden lest [Adam] put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever.

Basically, he just didn’t want competition. With their newfound  knowledge, it was only a matter of time till they figured out they could be like gods themselves – that wasn’t cool with God, of course, who wanted to rule everything and everyone on his own. Real nice, real nice.


Turning the page

1 Apr

I attended Catholic school as a child. My teachers were nuns and behind school grounds was the convent where they lived and worshiped. My school friends were God-fearing children and though I never voiced it, I always felt a bit like a scratch-and-sniff among regular stickers for not having a religious family.

I did pray to God every night when I was little, but as I grew older, I steered away from Him and closer to Freddy Mercury. That’s when I started down my cycle of darkness. What followed were years of unshamefacedness and revelry. I’ve consumed alcohol, tobacco, marijuana and other illicit substances, I’ve lied, worn whorish clothing, danced to provocative music, and supported abortion. All offensive activities that have been proven to lead to one thing only: porneia.

Foolishly thinking that I could make myself happy on my own, I failed to see that without lighting the divine spark in my heart, without letting Jesus in, I could never find quietude. I’ve been eager to speak when I should be silent. I’ve raised my head in defiance when I should’ve bowed in servitude. I’ve read extensively on politics and other subjects that simply don’t concern a woman. It’s been exhausting to try wearing pants fit for a man when I should actually put on a simple conservative dress and bake cookies.

My lifestyle has warranted me years of loneliness; I have no husband to provide for me and no children to bring meaning to my life.  When I look at  pictures of my past, I’m ashamed of the  self-absorbed, sexually suggestive exuberance that permeates the photos.

exposing flesh

simulating fellatio

being a slut

passing out with alcohol & loud music

These are photos of a whore who has lost the righteous path of the Lord. I don’t need to wait until January 1st to change my life around. God will accept me today. I have done some research (not a lot, because I understand that too much thinking leads to confusion) and am ready to wash my hands with the blood of Christ . To show the Holy Spirit how committed I am, I found some things I can do until I get a proper blessing at Church. These include:

– disposing of all my non-cotton clothing.
Thou shalt not wear clothes of mixed fibers. (Leviticus 19:19)

– hitting Tori when she’s a bad girl.
Thou shalt inflict corporal punishment on your children. (Proverbs 13-29)

– going vegetarian all the way. If Jesus wants it, so it shall be.
Thou shalt not eat pork, shrimp, lobster, or any shellfish. (Leviticus 11:7-12)

– of course, no sex while on my period.
If a man lies with a woman during her sickness and uncovers her nakedness, he has exposed her flow, and she has uncovered the flow of her blood. Both of them shall be cut off from their people. (Leviticus 20:18)

– oh wait, no sex at all!
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. (Colossians 3:5)

– practicing silence. this will be hard. can i still blog, though?
“Let the women learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.”

– being sad.
“Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

– smoking weed
And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. (Genesis 1:29)

It may seem like a lot at first, but I’m confident that the more things I have to follow, the less thinking I’ll have to do and the more devoted I’ll be. See how easy it is to finally find happiness?

My Humble Thoughts on Religion

14 Sep

I have a friend who spends the better part of her days thinking critically about space; its role in the world and how to maximize its ability to serve the human race (try doing that right now). Another is a tireless record-keeper; the filing-cabinet of details turned management extraordinaire. There are self-less ones, hilarious others, and occasionally wretched some. Each is unique, as all humans are, but in my circle, what all have in common is a notable detachment from religion. Perhaps because it isn’t a part of our immediate worlds we discuss it so often and at length. One of these friends’ recent trip to the Middle East left her with a strong impression of the power of collective prayer. At a public, ordinary setting, and carried in unison by hundreds of people, my spiritually jaded friend was moved by the combined sound, sight, and energy of humility and servitude to something higher than the self. This spiritual connection is experienced through generations and is never superseded. It moves mountains, reshapes history, and dictates daily life for millions of lives. Not mine.

I thought about what my friend shared, when she recounted her being present at Salat in Jordan. It must’ve been a beautiful sight; a setting sun in a troubled horizon, undoubtedly magnified in beauty by the mystic quality the place bears. I understand the physical manifestation to a stimulus that reaches you through a medium transcending and defying reasoning; I see how this moment could inexplicably bring someone to tears. We are both of Catholic backgrounds – she more so than I. Having grown up with a Catholic immediate family that is practicing still, “breaking away” was the result of self-education and a choice different from the status quo for my friend. In my case, the religion was prevalent in my social circles, rather than at home. Any semblance of religious belief I had was passing at best, and a direct result of a desire to fit in with my friends. I tried on the shoes, but they felt stifling, quickly. I loved my catholic nun teachers, I felt comfort in the quiet luxury of our church, but I questioned the teachings and was dissatisfied with the answers. I grew bored and they were irritated. We agreed to disagree.

My reluctance in practicing Faith is strengthened daily as I learn the ways of life on my own. I’ve been well prepared, cared for, and supported by living beings; my lessons are not other wordly and need not interpretation from third parties. Life can be scary, it can be hard, and it can wear you down. But simply put; people raise people. We raise one another’s spirit. When a woman goes to church, it’s with other people she spends her time – in a state of joy, of praise, of gratitude, and openness. This energy is solicited, shared, recycled, and it revitalizes from person to person. This to me personifies the goodness of Faith; positivity, encouragement, mutual lifting of souls; forgiving, accepting, learning, sharing – and these can only materialize intra and interpersonnally. If it isn’t a physical person, it is the creation by one; a musical concert is capable of breeding as much human energy as a particularly lifting sermon. I attend concerts because music speaks directly to my heart and evokes laughter, contentment, sadness, pain, clarity, and a stillness that is maximized when all of these feelings are shared with other people, side by side. This is what makes me feel alive. I seek the experience and I revel in it, I share it with others, and I leave rejuvenated. Something quite similar happens in religious practice; the common elements of togetherness and aliveness are what inspire people to live by their scriptures and what give them a spiritual push to move forward and to overcome.

The difference, for me, lies in your freedom of choice. On a daily basis I choose how to behave, with whom I associate, how I bring positivity into my life, how I do it for others, and where I turn in times of hardship. Aside from the rules by which we abide to maintain harmony in society (rabbis and atheists alike will go to jail for shoplifting – God can’t get you out of that), I make my own rules. I seek my truth, my context and my resources and I decide as I will. I attend concerts, I connect with nature, I read books, I am touched by art, I seek comfort with the presence of others… I carve out my encouragements, I appreciate the little things that make me alive, healthy, content, what helps me, what teaches me, what stills my heart. And the more in tune I am with myself, the more often I step back and realize how lucky I am to have my freedom to choose. I bring into my life what I wish, and I push what I do not want. These decisions are made by me and for me, and I strive for balance and reasoning as often as I can. Faith, adversely, confines me. It dictates and resolves, on my behalf, my worthiness. It creates boundaries, and these inherently discourage and/or limit exploring, learning, and living. I am bound already by my physicality and my government; I do not wish to add another perimeter in exchange for masticated Truth and a promise to deliver what I can search on my own.

As my friend and I discussed her experience and how it affects our respective feelings toward religion, given our personal histories, we agreed that a. what she experienced was undoubtedly powerful, and b. that religion as a package does not appeal to either of us. Still, she felt I was perhaps dismissive of the power of prayer and its significance. I don’t think of it that way; I think of it as a singular moment where human energy is harnessed and overflows. I see its beauty and yet I am content with exactly what it is; coming together of people. That is inspiring to me on its own, and the need to add a layer of mysticism, of a being greater and better that coordinates it all only undermines the power of our actions and makes us spectators rather than creators in our own right.

I want to feel ecstasy and hope from a day spent in nature, from bonding with my dog, from sharing laughter with my friends, from the physical rewards of exercising my body and mind, from making choices that benefit others as much as, if not more than myself. I want to be connected with what I have now and exercise gratitude with my actions. And if we live this way, is there a need for praising a “creator?” Is there a need for striking fear with the thought of his wrath, is there a need to worry about life after death? Is there a need to thank a God for turning my life around, when I have living heroes who veered me every inch along the way? If I can pass this on to my child, is there a need to baptize him, to teach him stories that he can’t question, but is supposed to believe… just because?

I don’t see the reason for the middle man. I see instead the importance of seeking and learning, of accepting what we don’t know, improving upon what we do, and never forgetting that time after time, my prosperity is heightened with the prosperity of others. I know this because I feel it and I see it all around, not because it is preached to me. I see importance in holding ourselves accountable as opposed to leaving it in someone else’s hand. On this planet, as far as we can tell, we are the manipulators over all other living organisms. This immense power of thinking and analyzing, coupled with our physical dexterity is all we could ever need to create the best for ourselves, to care for our environment and to cope with tragedy we can’t control. We don’t need a middle man. We don’t need a third party to blame or to thank; because we have ourselves. It’s daunting, I know, but if life is not in your hands, then what is the point of living?