Tag Archives: super powers

Better than a liger

5 Apr

I used to watch tons of TV a while back and was very into the show Heroes. I tend to like escapist stories, not because I’m dissatisfied with my life, but because I’m a bit of a dreamer. I can get very excited very easily with any one idea, only to realize that I’ve been day-dreaming for five minutes, and no, I’m not actually sky-diving in Hawaii tomorrow morning – snap out of it, crazy. I don’t know if the show is still on – I stopped watching it when it got too unrealistic for my taste [ahem] – but in its initial seasons, it spawned a few debates among friends as to what our ideal super powers would be.

Claire, the cheerleader, was pretty cool for obvious reasons; a cute young blonde who could fall off a building and manually reposition all her bones and heal wounds, thanks to her rapid cellular regeneration power. That’s badass. Kinda nice if you’re dating her too; she’ll have no bruises to report if you slap her around a little.

Biff

Space-time manipulation, Hiro’s power, is undoubtedly one of the top super powers. It’s my friend Dmitriy’s power of choice. He says he’d use it to win jiu-jitsu / MMA fights, fix stupid shit he’s done, etc. If I could travel through time, I’d pull a Biff Tannen in Back to the Future II; I’d go back a few years and bet on winning Mega Millions numbers, amassing a small [fucking huge] fortune. Then of course, there’s all the ninja training I’d do in preparation for my epic, gruesome murder of Hitler. Life would be sweet, being rich and able to fix any major fuck ups, but still… not exactly my ultimate wish. I don’t know why, maybe it just feels TOO powerful. Does that make sense?

Telepathy really doesn’t appeal to me. I once had a manipulative boyfriend who always left me wondering how the fuck I’d started with one idea and ended up scratching it to agree with his. It was a confusing and uncomfortable existence for a while, though I know better now. I know how to recognize and stay away from the type. Anyway, reading or controlling other people’s thoughts might be exciting for a few days, but I think it would get pretty lonely pretty quickly. It’s like being rich but ugly and boring; you know people are around you because of your money. I think I would feel like a cheating coward if I had to resort to mind control to get my way.

Flyyyyyyiiiiiiiinggggg!!! How. fucking. awesome. Seriously. That’s probably my #2 super power choice. First, of course, I’d do a shit-ton of travelling. I’d pick-pocket really rich people and just fly to escape – that’s how I’d fund my travels. After lots of aerial spying, I’d pick up Lloyd Blankfein and threaten to drop him in the middle of the ocean so he could die a torturous drowning death UNLESS he transferred millions of dollars to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation right then and there. If he refused, I’d take just as much pleasure in dropping him in the water and taking pictures as I hover above his helpless evil bald head. I fear, however, that flying might just enable the escapist in me and lead me to fly away anytime shit doesn’t go my way. It’d be hard to maintain friendships and relationships. Fuck, I’d probably have a boyfriend in each continent, which surely would lead to lots of frustration and heart-break, thus fueling this cycle of social ineptitude. Not to mention I wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret, consequently spending the better part of my life in a cage in some laboratory. Flying’s not safe for me.

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave" MY ASS, BITCH!

My ultimate power is the ability to control and manipulate technology.  I’d honestly feel like a GOD, but super inconspicuously. Lloyd Blankfein’s money would definitely be tapped into. Friends who need bank loans would suddenly be approved. Drunks leaving bars would find their cars inoperable, as would fuckers who tail-gate and/or drive recklessly around me. I’d print flight tickets at will, magically change my credit score, never have anything electronic break again, insert my name on Stanford University’s 2005 summa cum laude graduates list and kindly request a copy of my transcript… I could go on and on.  All of the little things I could change that would open massive doors to me and those I care about. And I’d be controlling computers – which begs the question: would I attempt having sex with robots?

This of course, is if no one else had super powers. Because if they did, my super power would be the ability to steal other people’s super powers.