Tag Archives: vagina

VA-GI-NA

13 Apr

Went on hulu last night to look for mindless television programming to numb me for an hour or so, but ended up watching this.

Everyone should watch this. It will make you a better person. Skip to minute 3 if you’re bored by the interviewer’s introduction. He’s just very nervous, I think.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Eve Ensler on… LIFE“, posted with vodpod

Things I don’t understand

7 Apr

I slept for 12.5 hours last night and woke up before the alarm of slavery sounded. Stuck my nose to the window, felt the warmth of Spring Sun around my nostrils and thought, “By golly, what a joyous occasion, to rise alert on this exquisite morning. Tori, let’s go for a long walk.”

Girl and dog bounced down the street in glasses and harness, respectively, forcing a smile out of every passerby’s lips with our morning gaiety. During our forty minute walk, I removed my pullover to hug the sun rays with every pore, and to minimize the sweating. I also used the time to think about things I don’t understand.

1. Boob jobs
Call me old school, but I truly believe there’s nothing more appealing than a natural girl. Small boobs, big boobs, fat nose, Christy Turlington’s nose, big booty, pancake butt… whatever. A natural girl with a pretty smile wins over silicone for me every time. And I’m not even into chicks.

Posh. I'll take the 1.0, please!

Super cute VS Super scary

I get it BOOBS = FEMALE in the male mind. You wanna grab them and… stuff. But that’s just it; they may look all big and womanly, but hopefully you’re gonna be touching them too. These things don’t look very soft and feminine. They’re scary torpedoes that may cause injury depending on the activities in which you three choose to engage.
Oftentimes  if you look carefully from the neck down you’ll see flat, flat, flat, BOOM, giant balls! What’s feminine and delicate about that? I’d rather see small, pretty, soft boobs. There may not be enough surface area for certain games, but they sure are cute and harmless! Perhaps if I were flat-chested or a mother of many children I might have a different opinion. But for the most part – and certainly in the illustrated cases – I just don’t get it.

2. Time

Even Einstein struggled with this one for years, so I don’t feel bad. But honestly… time, man. It ASTOUNDS me how religiously we live by and depend on this concept we don’t even really understand. I have to be at work at 9am, I’m annoyed if I can’t leave at 5pm, I get anxious if I’m not in bed by 12am. I’m often yelled at for being late, and I make my daily decisions taking the time into consideration first. I get it – it’s paramount to civilization. To produce X, we need Z number of laborers present and working. How do we achieve this? We give them an easy-to-grasp measurement by which they’ll be held accountable: clock-in time. But the reality is, time is a concept; a measurement of a phenomenon as we perceive it. The only reason it’s noon right now is because the Earth turns on its axis at about 1,500km/hr where I live. If it moved faster, it would be another time, another, day, another year. Everything would be shifted. Time is fucking relative to where you are, where you’re going and how fast you’re getting there. And if I finally succeed at building the at-speed-of-light boat I’m fixing up in my backyard, I’ll be fucking timeless, bitches. More untouchable than Sean Connery. You know what’s really messed up? I think all this stuff I just wrote is kind of right. Actually, I bet it’s ridden with flaws. But the truth is, time isn’t what you and I live by; it’s much more complex, it kind of pisses me off, and I just don’t understand it.

3. Pregnant woman fetishes
This confounds me. I’m a sexually open-minded individual. I have some unorthodox predilections of my own, but really? Pregnant ladies? Every time I see a “preggo video” screen freeze, I shudder. Good god, she’s pregnant! Get her a pillow and some lemonade! She could pee at any instant! OK, maybe that’s part of the appeal… What about BBWs, or Big Tits videos, do they not suffice? What is it, about the pregnant woman? Is she extra horny? What if she cries in the middle of sex? It can’t be super comfortable managing an 8 month belly and 4 penises. Pregnant women should be wearing yellow frilly dresses, pink lipgloss, and small flowers on their unprocessed hair, showing just a hint of the fantastic cleavage that comes with motherhood. Not fishnet tights and jizzed out hair. I truly don’t get it.

I would *honestly* appreciate some insight into any of the above-mentioned topics.

THE RED SCARE

2 Apr

Pre
Menstrual
Syndrome

Welcome. Today is day 1 of April PMSing. I’ve written before about a highly effective coping mechanism, but seeing as I’m at work, self-medicating isn’t an option. What I’ll choose to do instead is share this fucking burden with you, my reader (and subsequently, friend).  AND YOU WILL READ ALL OF IT, YOU HEAR ME? NO SKIPPING PARTS! AND LAUGH AT APPROPRIATE TIMES!

[deep breath]

A girl who’s in tune with her body – as I like to think I am – can generally detect the first symptoms of this recurring, unamusing prank from nature. This particular month my Redcoat visitor (so charming, all of a sudden!) brings a goodie basket of:

Anxiety
Sitting at my desk, fidgeting and worrying about ALL of the tasks I need to accomplish, thus spending my time engaging in none of them isn’t very efficient, is it? Well, that’s what I’m doing. Even better when I remember all of the personal tasks I have to accomplish too. Clean my apartment. Put up a Craigslist ad to help it get rented. Call Directv and ask them kindly to return the $350 they deducted from my account without authorization or good reason. I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to… PLEASE, GOD, LIFT THIS HEAVY BALL OF DUTY-VOMIT OFF MY BACK, I NEED TO BREATHE.

Neediness
Can I have a hug?
Why? Are you in a bad mood or something?
No, I’m in a good mood, I just need a hug.
Okaaay. Weirdo. [he hugs me]

Irrational Thoughts
Life would be so much easier if I just got married to a really rich guy and could stay home doing NOTHING. I could deal without self-realization, being a waste of oxygen, occasionally debating if I could be classified as the ultimate prostitute, hiding my shame deep into the subconscious with the help of alcohol and drugs for every time I charge the credit card for a pair of stilettos that I think will make me look good and feel better because once someone slips a big fat shiny ring on my finger, I’ll instantly learn how to and enjoy walking strapped to such sadist contraptions. Forget exercising and challenging my faculties and finding a person who respects and appreciates my mind, and thinks of me as an equal, and a life partner with a hot bod.

Anxiety
Oh yea, I already went through that.

Horniness

It’s very strange, because it isn’t sex that is appealing to me now. It’s just making out and smelling a dude’s scent and being touched. But not sex itself, necessarily (though I could be persuaded if I were already involved with said dude).  Note it is imperative that he be manly and sweaty, preferably post sports-match or something. It’s not gross, it’s just my hormones. I don’t appreciate your judgment. Oh, you weren’t judging? Sorry, I’m a little defensive.

Emotional Emptiness
Ever been on a really scary roller coaster, or taken ecstasy, or punched a wall/door in anger? These activities can leave you feeling pretty drained afterward, huh? A black hole of emotions where sad and happy, tired and energetic, talkative and anti-social all meet and penetrate one another, forming a blob of nothingness. Yeah, I kind of feel like that. They’re all inside me, yet I can produce nothing. It’s like a sharp, involuntary intake of breath seconds before what you THINK is going to be a massive, super satisfying sneeze and… nothing. It’s like dry humping for forty minutes, then hearing the parents walking down the hall, forcing you to take seats at opposite sides of the bedroom, borderline catatonic, unsure if you’re angry or sad, because your hormones were LIED TO.

At least there’s been no crying. On the contrary, I’m feeling sort of… RAAWWRR! I just wanna go home and take a long walk with the dog, while listening to music and then return to clean the shit out of that apartment!


Introducing: Vajuice blend

18 Mar

Dermatologists {yawn}

The last time a couple of chicks put their faces on a product was when Proactiv came out. Weh weh weh…. Great, so they turned around the lives of many pimply kids the world over, helping them rediscover self-confidence and focus on inner beauty (now that everyone else found them physically acceptable). Well done. But what Drs. Rodan and Fields didn’t tell you was that clear skin is no guarantee for getting laid. Nothing is, really, short of cold hard cash and the courage to pick up a prostitute (or the chick who seems to defy the laws of beer goggles even after a $100 tab. Brutal).

If you are having trouble coming to terms with the fact that you could really go for some female nectar but you don’t want to be a manwhore (or, let’s face it, you have no game – email me, I’ll give you some pointers)… we may have the answer for you.

After months conducting research, discussion, and testing to come up with their revolutionary new product, Certified Awesome Females (CAF) Masha and Juliana bring you: Vajuice™ – a blend of organic, no preservatives added vagina juice, carefully harvested from the finest, disease-free, barely-legal female human specimens, to quench your thirst when you can’t get any.

Certified Awesome Females Juliana and Masha

The man who finds himself with no foreseeable prospect of getting laid is forced to take care of business on his own, spending hours per month, alone, doing someone else’s job – and not getting pussy. That really really sucks.

CAF Masha and Juliana understand how frustrating getting no pussy can be and the level of stress it adds to a man’s already very busy life.

But we also understand that most men still would prefer to masturbate with Sasha Grey on the screen, rather than have to post bail for soliciting a prostitute.

So if you can’t get ass on your own, dear friend, we’re here to at least help you make it through your time of need with dignity. When your arm gets tired, your forehead pales with sweat, and you get that job done – you deserve vagina juice.

Studies show that for a healthy-libido male

every Saturday night that ends with Jerkens, err, Jergens on the nightstand :  his manhood

AS

one more glass of Jack Daniels : Slash’s liver

Slash's liver is in there

You may not notice it right away, but your condition worsens as the months pass, leaving you irritated, depressed, and sometimes obese and alcoholic. These side effects make it even more unlikely that you will find anyone willing to sleep with you. It’s a terrible cycle.

So what is a man to do?
Stop beating the meat? Laughable.
Risk trouble with the law? No, no, too drastic.

He drinks Vajuice. Vajuice blend will help him replenish all of his sexy vitamins and minerals, positively reinstating his virility and balancing his Ph levels so as to emit a powerful, staunchly male scent that warns off other males and draws in bitches. With Vajuice, a man will feel like a real man again, even when he’s not actually getting any.

To cater to men’s discerning tastes, we currently offer our product in four distinct flavors:

Big-boobied Commie
Big-bottomed Latina
Ginger
Submissive Asian

New flavors will be introduced to the market soon, including the very popular and highly requested Ebony, as well as the fun and tasty Mixed Race Punch.

It’s about time men felt as good as they were bred to. Pick up a few bottles of Vajuice for the weekend – you worked hard, and you deserve a taste of vagina, damn it.